The past is the past

My head is running wild again. I don’t have much to do and I also have some stuff to get off my chest, I just don’t even know where to begin.

So as in the last blog, I mentioned there’s a new guy on the horizon who I called Captain. Captain and I first started seeing each other little over 3 weeks ago. It all started off pretty good and now I’m here again, being eaten up by my own thoughts.

Since that first date Captain and I were really hitting it off. I had a really good feeling about this guy. He would drive to my place every weekend to keep each other company. I don’t really like to talk about it or show it on my social media, because I know some people would freak out and say stuff like “OMG! What about social distancing!”, “You’re the reason the world is shit”, “You’re so selfish, now because of you everyone’s gonna die”, or something like that and I’m just not in the mood to put up with it. But this is my blog and when I started doing this, I gave myself one rule and one rule only; if I feel like talking about something whether it’s good or bad, I’ll be 100% honest.

Although we didn’t do much, last weekend with Captain was a lot of fun. We just watched some movies, played video games and had sex. Yayy! I finally got laid since the whole Swimmers story went down. We pretty much had the same plans for this weekend. He came over, brought his dog (he’s got a dog). The first night we cooked and while dinner was getting ready I was going through my phone and found a game we could play. Well, sort of, it was a game where the phone throws a random desirable scenario at you and then adds a condition that might change your mind. Then you have to decide if you would still do it or not. For example “What if you learned three new languages, but you forget your native language?” Would you still do it or not? I thought it’s a fun way to spend time and also gives me a chance to get to know him better. We were playing this for a while, then Captain proposed a questionnaire too that he had stored on his phone that he wanted to “play” that with me. I agreed to it, so he went ahead. A few seconds in him throwing the questions at me, I started to feel pretty uncomfortable but mostly intimidated. I noticed all the questions were very much focused around political views.

Now here’s the thing, a lot of the issues I’m struggling with in my love life, I’m slowly starting to see how they all tie back to my childhood and my troubled relationship with my father. I’ll expand on that later, but for now, all you need to know is that around the time when I was 10 or so, my dad became obsessed with politics and any time we had guests over, the only thing he would want to talk about with them was politics. Literally nothing else. If any other topic came up, he would somehow manage to stir it back to politics and if somebody disagreed with him and his views, he would get really verbally abusive. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve witnessed over the years pretty much all his of friendships getting ruined because of this. A lot of those friends were people I’ve grown close to, but fight after fight they left our house and never returned. Frankly it was traumatising for me, so I got to the point where I hate talking about politics. It evokes a very repulsive feeling in me.

Anyway, this weekend Captain seemed pretty interested and serious about it, so I didn’t wanna resist, but I felt really uneasy. Turned out, our political views don’t 100% align. He’s more conservative and I’m more liberal, which for me is not a big deal, but after the questionnaire, he started making comments here and there like “you’re a fucking hippy” and “you’re brainwashed by Disney” and “oh, I want world peace and countries shouldn’t have borders” in a sarcastic voice to mock me.

If you hang out with English people (especially guys), you might think they’re dickheads, but after a while, you start to realise that they like to say things to wind you up just to get a reaction out of you. It’s in their culture. It’s their sense of humour. They’re not doing with the intention of actually hurting you but more for their entertainment, so the best thing you can do is toughen up and don’t let them get to you. In fact, if they see you unbothered and you’re able to pull off a good comeback, you will win their hearts.

I feel like I’m slowly starting to get a hang of it, but from time to time, they tend to hit a weak spot, where I just don’t find it funny anymore and my feelings start to get deeply hurt. This was the case with Captain starting mocking my political views. I just had too much PTSD from my dad’s aggressive flights over the topic and as much as I wanted to keep my cool and be feisty, I wasn’t able to. I started to feel hurt by his comments, I started to worry that he’s gonna lose interest in me, I started to get angry at him for feeling like he’s judging me, so all in all, it just wasn’t a pleasant experience.

Swimmers was always telling me “you can’t let the past control you”. And I get what he was trying to say, but at the end of the day, the person I am today is the result of all the things have happened to me in the past. All those happy and sad moments and the lessons I took or didn’t take from them. Expecting that my past would not have any effect on me whatsoever is just unrealistic. Yes, I can realise some unhealthy habits or patterns of behaviour of mine, that I can break by trying to make new conscious decisions day by day, but it’s hard work that takes a lot of time and soul searching. It won’t happen from one day to the other. It’s an everyday effort, and some days I’ll be better at it, others, not so much.

Do you ever wonder why toddlers are so full of joy? - Well, if you consider them in a fairly heathy family - I have a theory. It’s because they’re in the moment. Why? Because they don’t yet have a past and they don’t yet understand the concept of the future. They haven’t experienced the heavy weight of heartbreak. They haven’t been lied to. They haven’t been bullied. They haven’t been cheated on. They haven’t lost someone they loved. They haven’t been assaulted. But why do we have to experience all those hurtful things as time passes? Some of it is just bad luck, most of it is caused by people who are hurting from their past traumas that were caused by other people who were hurting from their past traumas and so on and so forth. It’s a chain reaction. A vicious circle that’s hard to break. It’s part of life, it’s part of the human experience. If you want to be the change, just be kind. Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Captain and I had a conversation that same evening about holding grudges and being vengeful. He admitted that he tends to take revenge if he feels like he was mistreated by someone. I said;

- I’m trying my best to let it go. I believe in karma and what goes around comes around. Eventually, everyone gets what they deserve. On the other hand, if I team up with you, I am somebody who has your best interest at heart, so losing me I think is revenge enough.

- Oh, that’s deep.

He said and started smiling, so again he might have been just trying to wind me up, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. I felt like I made my point.

As the weekend went on, Captain kept making comments about me being liberal. I also noticed that he wasn’t as affectionate with me as before. He wouldn’t reach for my hand when we left the house anymore. He wouldn’t hold me as tightly if I wanted a cuddle. He stopped giving me gentle kisses and sometimes I wasn’t sure if his comments were just to get a reaction out of me or he actually meant to make me feel bad for the way I am. I was thinking to myself. “Damn, I really thought this guy and I could actually work out. We’ve been talking for a like 3 weeks now and I haven’t noticed any red flags so far. He’s been so sweet to me. What’s going on? Why am I feeling so off about this suddenly?”

Speaking of red flags. I didn’t really pick up on any as we were getting to know each other. I felt like this guy is a hard worker, a team player, fair, kind and based on how much effort he was putting into getting to know me I felt like he was in it for the right reasons. So I, of course, got really excited about him, and I didn’t even really question anything. I felt like it’s safe to sleep with him and for me, it’s something I need to be careful with because once I start having sex with someone I quickly get emotionally attached and from that point, it’s a short jump to falling in love and if things don’t work out, the process of mourning of the relationship starts all over. No matter how many times I’ve gone through it, it’s not getting any easier. Sleepless nights, loss of appetite, loss of motivation to do anything. It’s so shit. I hate it, yet seems like I haven’t learned anything. Why do I keep giving in so quickly as soon as I meet someone I feel attracted to?

Captain told me last week when I was asking him about previous relationships that last year he was seeing a girl for 4 months but he broke up with her because he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. They’ve booked a ski-trip together but he had to pay her share back because he didn’t want her to go, so he ended up going with his mates. I felt a little bad for the girl, but I didn’t think too much to it. I just asked if she was in love with him, to which he responded;

- I don’t think so, it was only 4 months.

- Well, 4 months is enough to develop strong feelings for someone.

Anyway, I let the conversation go. He met someone, he tried, he wasn’t feeling it, he moved on. End of story.

This weekend we were watching a movie and the main character in it was a pretty hot chick, that he just couldn’t stop making comments about.

When a guy expresses how much he’d like to fuck another female in front of his “love interest” I always think it’s a pretty insensitive thing to do, and I never understood how some guys just don’t fucking see that. It makes me think that you’re less of a self-conscious human being and more of a compulsive animal and frankly it’s really disappointing. You know what I do if I see a hot guy when I’m interested in someone else? I 👏FUCKING 👏 LET 👏 IT 👏 GO 👏!!! The most I might do is that I make a mental note to myself “yeah, he’s hot, whatever” and that’s the end of the story. I don’t start making comments and moaning about it. Especially not to the person that’s trying to open up to me and needs to trust me. Are you fucking kidding me? Arrrggg!!!

So that happened. About half an hour into the movie the character - who’s half alien, half human - trying to find a guy to fuck, so she can reproduce. She went home with someone but she ended up killing him instead because he had diabetes which she viewed as a genetic flaw. At this point Captain makes a comment.

- I broke up with a girl before, because she had diabetes.

- What? Are you serious? Was she nice?

- Yeah

- So was her only flaw that she was diabetic?

- Yeah, but I’m really picky.

Alright, who am I to judge? You have the right to date whoever you want, but I’m starting get the impression that he’s serial dater. I quietly make a comment.

- I wonder how much time I have left before you sack me.

And he just brushed it off with a laugh, which made me feel really uneasy. This is my biggest fear anytime I start seeing someone. That I get attached, I start to care and develop feelings but as soon as I’m not the new shiny toy anymore, he’s gonna toss me on the side. Why am I scared of this? Because it happened to me many times before. I don’t wanna date fuckboys anymore. They’re a dead end. I can’t change them and I shouldn’t have to.

I don’t wanna fall in love with Captain if in a few weeks/months he’s gonna sack me anyway. Although I’ve slept with him enough times to start feel the effects of attachment but I’m definitely not in love yet. If I left this thing now, I mean it would suck for a few days, but I wouldn’t be heartbroken like I was after Swimmers. I just don’t wanna get to that point with him.

I’m clueless regarding what to do. I see really good traits in him. Like for example this weekend his dog chewed up one of my bras and few minutes later he sent me a gift-card to an online lingerie shop, which I didn’t expect him to do at all. I mean accidents happen. I wasn’t upset or anything. So that was really nice of him but still other things he said kinda got me off guard and I’m not sure if my worries have merit or because I’m starting to develop feelings I’m starting to get into my head. Either way. I’m not gonna contact him. If he wants to talk or wants to keep pursuing me, I’m not gonna shut him down, but for now I’m just gonna stop contacting him and see how he’s gonna react to it. If he’s unbothered by it, I’ll just let him go.

This weekend he wasn’t gonna come over anyway because he’s going to his parents house to spend Easter with them. So I won’t have company at all for at least 2 weeks now, but if we stop talking completely then God knows how long I’m gonna be stuck inside alone, which not gonna lie freaks me out a little bit. I know it’s all about social distancing now but to be honest knowing that I had someone to be with pretty much every weekend was a great comfort to me. Sort of a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I just don’t see the light anymore. I’m trying to stay calm and optimistic, but in some moments it’s not that easy. I know one day things will go back to normal, so I’m holding onto that. I’m holding onto the hope that one day I’ll find love. One day I’ll have someone on my side that I’m confident enough about to start a family with. One day I’ll meet someone who has the same intentions as me. 🙂