“I’m really done this time.” I told myself. Then the move happened, and I felt like it was a fresh start. New place, new chapter, new me. Then a few weeks later he messaged me that he wanted some pictures taken and asked if I could help him out and do it for him.

Honestly, at this point it feels like I’m holding onto this ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling very strongly, otherwise, why would I keep choosing it over and over again. Why would anyone wanna feel that way? Why? Because it’s a familiar feeling.

In my last blog I mentioned that a lot of the issues I’m struggling with in my love life, I’m slowly starting to see how they all tie back to my troubled relationship with my father. I never really thought that my romantic life has anything to do with my childhood, but I’ve come across with some experts on the internet expanding on the topic and while I was listening to them braking it down, suddenly it all made sense.

…at the end of the day, the person I am today is the result of all the things have happened to me in the past. All those happy and sad moments and the lessons I took or didn’t take from them. Expecting that my past would not have any effect on me whatsoever is just unrealistic.

As this whole coronavirus thing started unfolding itself in the UK, I knew my social life is about to die out, so I became more and more active on dating apps. You see where I’m going? 😆

Long story short, I ended up texting him. Again. That’s right. It’s the 3rd time that this happened since the breakup. I’m not proud of it, I’m just saying it because it’s a fact.

Looking back, this year I was very hard on myself with a lot of negative self-talk. Never feeling good enough. For some reason I kept forgetting how crucial it is to be nice to myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think breaking up was the right decision. But when you’re so used to having this person in your life, going from being in touch every day to not talking at all is fucking hard. And that’s something that can not be disregarded.