Daddy issues

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a long time now, but I keep putting it off. I may have touched on the subject in previous blogs before, but I’ve never gone into details as much as I’m about to go in this one. The content I’m about to share is very sensitive matter to me and to be honest there are certain things regarding this topic I’m not sure I’m ready to face, but nevertheless I feel like they need to be said out loud and processed at some point. I think the time has finally come.

I know in most of my writing - especially lately - I only touch on my troubled love life. I didn’t intend it to be this way but it looks like that’s what’s on my mind most of the time. I got to the point where I’m desperately trying to find “the one”. I was never like this. For the longest time of my life, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about boys. I don’t know what’s going on now. Might be that my biological clock started ticking, because any time I imagine an ideal future for myself I always picture having a family one day. I want a partner, kids, dogs, cats, the whole package, and I feel like if that’s what I want my future to be, I need to start working towards it now.

When I was younger, I naively thought when I’m ready, it’s gonna be an easy task to find someone and start our own thing together. I mean I don’t wanna sound arrogant, but from my experience, guys find me attractive. I’m able to carry out deep conversations. I’m open, accepting, caring, nurturing, loyal and I love making people laugh. I have fun hobbies, I’m adventurous and I honestly think I’m a good party. Why anybody wouldn’t wanna be with me? Why has my love life always been such a train-wreck? It’s been over 5 years that I’m letting the opposite sex into my life. It’s been over 5 years that I’m open for a relationship, and what’s the result of all these years? I’ve been involved with a bunch of guys that’s true - way more than I thought I ever will be - but none of them led to anything really. Not even to a relationship. The closest I had to a “relationship” was what I had with Swimmers last year but let’s face it, even that was just another situationship that I managed to drag out a little longer than usual. At this point I have enough data to come to the conclusion that there must be more to this than just mere bad luck.

In my last blog I mentioned that a lot of the issues I’m struggling with in my love life, I’m slowly starting to see how they all tie back to my troubled relationship with my father. I never really thought that my romantic life has anything to do with my childhood, but I’ve come across with some experts on the internet expanding on the topic and while I was listening to them braking it down, suddenly it all made sense.

Now I’m not here to play the blame game. I’m someone who believes that we are intelligent human beings that are capable of making their own choices in life and we’re responsible for every decision we make.

Or are we?

A question I’ve been wondering a lot about lately. Are we really in charge? Do we really decide for ourselves? Or our decisions are just the result of the conditions of our environment? Did you know that scientifically it has been proven that the decisions you make take place before you’re even aware of it? Your brain decided to pick up that pen, send that text, pull that trigger before you even know it. It’s true man. If you don’t believe me, just google it. There are plenty of articles available on the topic. So what does that say about free will? Does it even exist?

When I listen to criminals in prison telling their stories, somehow I realise that everything in their lives was perfectly conditioned to lead them up to commit the crime. So then what? Can we just run around doing whatever and then blame it on the circumstances? How come some people who experience severe trauma go and hurt other people while others start a foundation to help? Where is that line in the brain that tips us over? And are we in charge of it at all? Can we influence it somehow? And if it isn’t us then who and what influences it?

These are some questions that keep me up at night. But what does it have to do with me and my life? I grew up with a mother who loves me more than anything in this world. I never had doubts about that. Now on the other hand, my dad, when I was very little, I remember playing with him, and loving him very much, but as I grew older - around the age 5 - something changed. I recall the first times, he rejected me, he shouted at me and hit me. As a kid I didn’t understand why someone would behave such way, but as he did it more and more often, I started to push him away. I didn’t want to play with him anymore or even to be around him and that’s when the emotional abuse began. From a very young age, I remember him shouting at me and constantly calling me stupid and worthless. Sometimes I swear I felt like it was his mission to prove everybody that I’m incompetent. Countless times he humiliated me in front of friends and family members.

I remember one time a friend of his was at our house. I passed by them and his friend told him;

- You have a very beautiful daughter.

He responded;

- Maybe. But she’s too skinny and her face is full of spots.

I was really struggling with my OCD at the time. I think I even mentioned this story in the blog I wrote about it.

Another time he was talking to somebody about how stupid kids these days are. He wanted to use me to prove his point. He said;

- Hey Sylvia! Come over here! Where does sun come up?

I immediately panicked. I overheard the conversation and I knew what he was doing. Long story short, I thought he was trying to trick me with the question and I way overthought the answer and I pointed the wrong direction.

- See?? This is how stupid they are! You can go now. - he said.

I felt so bad, man. As you can tell, I still can’t get over it.

Another time, it was my high school graduation. Most of my family came all the way from Transylvania to see me perform. After the ceremony we all came home and various family members started talking about how much they enjoyed my performance, how talented I am and how proud they are of me. It felt really nice hearing them saying stuff like that obviously, but my joy didn’t last long as as soon as my dad heard them praising me, he immediately shut them down saying;

- None of you know what you’re talking about. She’s not as amazing as you all think. She doesn’t even know how to cook. She’s useless!

The rest of the family stood up for me and they insisted to their opinion, but he kinda killed the mood with his outburst.

Here’s the last story/example, and probably one of the most painful of all. I was around the age of 16-17 at this point when we went on holiday with another family. My dad and their son who was around the same age as me had a disagreement. I wasn’t part of the conversation but I was within earshot, so I heard pretty much everything they were saying. They were arguing for a while, but eventually the boy told my dad;

- Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not my father.

To which my dad said;

- I’d be happy if someone told Sylvi that she is nothing. That she has no worth in this world because then she would finally believe that it’s true and it’s not only her father who thinks this way.

I honestly don’t even know what words I could possibly choose to describe the way this made me feel.

I have many more stories, but I think this is enough. Keep in mind I’m not sharing this information to villainize my dad. I’m sure he has his reasons why he is the way he is, but that doesn’t change the way I experienced these events and how they impacted my personality growing up. And that’s what I’m trying to get to the bottom of.

On the other side of the coin as I mentioned before my mom was very supportive and affectionate. I think that helped to balance the scale out and held me back from going down on a very dark path, but unfortunately she was always at school or work. She was away a lot, and when she was home she was fighting with my dad. They were constantly at each other’s throat. They fought over me, over finances, over literally anything. I don’t think we made it through over a week without some kind of drama. And when things got really bad and my mom moved out (happened a couple of times), somehow I became their marriage counselor. They would both complain to me and I tried everything in my power to help them reconcile. My mom would move back and for a while it seemed like everything’s gonna be fine, but peace never lasted very long in our household. The whole cycle began all over again and again, until I left the house and moved all the way to the States at the age of 20.

Now what do these past events have anything to do with my romantic life in present days? Let’s find out together in my next blog…