I still miss him

I know I’m a broken record at this point with the Swimmers story. I keep saying to myself I’m done, but something in me is very stubborn and can’t seem to let go. And boy, I wanted nothing more than just to let it go. I tried to logically argue with myself why splitting up was a good idea. I tried to be mad and angry with Swimmers. Highlighting all the times I felt bad because of him. I tried deleting every trace of him from my phone and social media, pretending like we never met. I tried moving on by going out on dates, hoping I can replace my feelings onto someone new. I met some nice guys and I shared a few kisses with them here and there. Some were serious about me, others just wanted company. But any time I thought about getting closer to any of these guys either physically or emotionally, I got immediately turned off by the idea. I always seem to find a reason why they’re not right for me. I also keep comparing them to him. So then I got to the conclusion, maybe I just need to be alone for now. When the time is right, it’ll happen.

Now I’m left alone with my own thoughts and emotions. But they make me sad, so I tried to turn away from them. I don’t know if you saw one of my stories on Instagram I posted about a week ago. I said in that story that “I know I haven’t posted in a while and that’s because my blogs and my art really take me inside my head, and I don’t wanna be inside my head right now.” Now you know it’s because I don’t wanna face my real feelings about the breakup. So I try distraction. I keep planning my next trip to somewhere, I keep hanging out with friends, and go out as much as possible. The goal is to not give myself time to think about the mess inside me. And it works! Distraction really works. When I’m with my friends, I’m not sad, it’s the opposite, I’m excited and happy….for a while. The truth is that it’s only a temporary solution. As soon as come home, and I close the door behind me, I’m alone again. It’s just me and my thoughts, so I distract again. I start to watch something that helps to take my mind off of it. Some days his absence is bearable, other days it’s overwhelming. Especially when I’m drunk.

When I’m out with my friends, even if I had a few to drink, I normally just enjoy the moment, their company, and the conversation, no problem. But if I’m approached by a guy on a night out, who’s just trying to chat me up. My drunk head goes;

- No!!! I don’t give a shit about this dude! Where is Swimmers? I WANT SWIMMERS!!!!

It’s silly I know but that’s the reaction it evokes in me right away, which is very dangerous because that very thought is the ignition to all the emotions that I work very hard to ignore or oppress in my day to day life.

Yesterday was Valentine’s day, and normally I don’t care for that. I was single for most of my life, so to me, V day was always just another day, but this one was different. I didn’t wanna admit it to myself, but it did get to me because last year I was in my very first relationship and I remember I was thinking that next year, I’ll have my first Valentine in a relationship. Tomorrow would have been our first year anniversary. Well, kind of. Although we didn’t get in a relationship right away, but we hooked up the first night we meet, and we were pretty much together ever since, which was on the 16th of Feb. So in my head, I started thinking, what we could do. Maybe celebrate by going away for the weekend or just do something cute that expresses how much we care for each other. But no. I’m single again, and if you think I’m just gonna be ok with that and morn my treasured fantasies quietly and gracefully, you’re mistaken. I wanna go out. So that’s exactly what I did and what happened? I ended up getting drunk and guys started approaching me. Bad, bad combination. Long story short, I ended up texting Swimmers. Again. That’s right. It’s the 3rd time that this happened since the breakup. I’m not proud of it, I’m just saying it because it’s a fact.

The second time, I actually called but hang up. Then he messaged me back and we started talking a bit again. Then we met up for a drink. I’m not sure what I was hoping for, I guess I just wanted to see him and find out how I feel. The meeting started off good, we just caught up on a few things, then we started to get into the details of our relationship and needless to say, it turned into a disaster. We started disagreeing on things and when I started bringing up stuff that he hurt me with in the past and he just walked out on me.

I was even surprised at how much I’m still holding onto it, so I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that it’s because he never acknowledged my pain. When those things happened he always gave me some sort of explanation why it was ok, and why I’m just overreacting. And if I bring it up now he just says “I don’t understand why you keep bringing this up. It was months before we broke up.” And that just makes me absolutely mental. I feel even more frustrated than before. I don’t know why my psyche needs to hear the words “I’m sorry” from his mouth so much, but it does, and if he can’t acknowledge the pain he caused, I can’t let it go.

My parents were like that. I never heard any of my parents to say ‘sorry’ to each other. EVER! Their ego just wouldn’t let that happen. They both thought; ‘I’ve got nothing to say ‘sorry’ for, I’ve got my reasons why I did what I did’. If eventually, they got tired of the fighting they just brushed things under the rug and pretended like it never happened. They both thought they’ve let it go and moved on, but they clearly didn’t because the next time a fight broke out, they kept bringing shit up from the past. Often when I heard them yelling at each other I asked myself; ‘Why can’t they just leave the past in the past?’ Well, I understand it now. They never worked things out properly, therefore they kept piling pain over pain and now they’re at the point where now after 35 years being together, they’re divorcing.

When you have a relationship with somebody (not only romantic but any kind), you're dealing with another person’s needs, hopes, desires and expectations and from time to time you’ll do something that will conflict with those needs. It’s normal, it’s part of human life. It’s inevitable. So when you do something that upsets someone else’s feelings, there’s nothing you can do about it at that point. Even if you have your reasons, the damage is done. It’s out of your control. The only thing you can do if you wanna remedy the situation - and this applies to me too I know - is to say ‘I’m sorry.’ It doesn’t have to mean that you lost the fight. It’s just a simple acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings. It means ‘I hear you.’ ‘I understand your pain and I’m sorry I made you feel that way.’ It helps the other party to let go of the grudge, and gives them hope about the future.

I know in theory it’s all very nice. The execution is much harder because we all have this thing called ego, and it cannot stand the idea of being “wrong”. Anyway…I guess what I’m trying to say is that in an ideal world, that’s how Swimmers and I would have worked things out…but we didn’t, and that’s what he doesn’t understand. Our break up wasn’t the result of 1 particular thing that made me wanna break up with him, it was the result of all of these issues that never got resolved emotionally. So we’re not together anymore.

When he walked out on me that day (which was about 3 weeks ago I believe), I was so angry with him in that moment that I felt like I never wanna do anything with this guy anymore. But if that’s the case then why did I drunk message him yesterday again? - Now you might be wondering what was the message and if he replied. Don’t worry I’m not gonna leave you hanging. The message was something along the lines:

• I can’t believe I still miss you after all this time…..like wtf?

• I need to get over you.

• How to get over you?

And no, he didn’t reply. To be fair he had nothing to reply to because after I sent the messages I freaked out and my drunk ass started deleting them except the last one. Lol. I accidentally deleted it only for myself, so he got two “this message has been deleted” and one “how to get over you?” haha. He’s probably over it, but I’m clearly not.

I do see some improvements. Like I don’t think about him as often as I used to, but he still crosses my mind every single day, and when he does, although the flashbacks of memories don’t hurt as much as they used to but in a weak moment I still get teary. I still try to avoid places we went to, activities we did, shows we watched, even the tube line he lives on. All these things remind me of the fact that we’re no longer together, and it still hurts.

I feel like I’m running out of options, so I’ll try one more thing. I’ll try to do what helped me to better my problem with panic attacks. When I tried to deny it, oppress it or run away from it, that only made them worse. The only thing that helped was acknowledging it and face it. As soon as I stopped trying so hard to control my problem and I said "You know what? It’s part of my life now, if one comes, it comes, I’ll just have to deal with it.”, my panic attacks became less and less frequent and less and less scary to the point where they’re almost completely gone by now. I still get uneasy every now and then, but I haven’t had a full blown panic attack since, I can’t even remember. Probably over a year. Maybe more.

So yeah…hopefully acknowledging my pain that’s caused by being separated from Swimmers will help. Let’s face it. I still miss him and that’s ok. When I’m ready to move on, I’ll move on, there’s no need to rush it.