Healing 🔈
If you don’t feel like reading, just listen! 😊👇
It’s time for a new blog. I'm sitting on the tube right now. Typing this into my notes, hoping noone's looking at what I'm doing.
- Hey you! In the blue hoodie! Stop looking at my screen!! I need privacy right now! But if you wanna see the finished blog go to my website. It’s sylviacreate.com. ;)
- That's more like it! Thank you!
So! News! Okay....since I was crying in the last video about how shaken up I was from seeing Swimmers since the breakup, not much had happened. I didn't see him, afterwards. Although I have to admit I did reach out a few days later after a drunk evening with my colleagues and asked if he was home but he didn't reply, so as good girls do, I just went home after the party. That was really my only weak moment since then. He did ask me twice if I'm free and wanna hang - I would have said yes (alright, 3 weak moments) - but he later told me that he's busy, so two times Swimmers asked me if I'm free only to tell me that he's busy. Lol. Typical him. Wouldn't have expected anything different.
I'm glad though because I'm starting to get back into a good mental state again and I know seeing him would only make things hard on me. That's why I'm not reaching out. Anytime I feel the urge, I know it's just a compulsive feeling at the moment and I do my best to dismiss it and let it go. - yeah, that one time alcohol won, but luckily it didn’t have repercussions. I have to keep focusing on what's better for the both of us in the long run.
I feel like I'm starting to reconnect with myself again. My personal projects start to excite me again, I write and create more. I hang with my friends more often and started meeting up with new people. I didn't even realise how lost I was until I was all by myself again. Everything became about Swimmers. I couldn't picture the future without him. Now I started to plan things for myself and I’m happy to report, my plans really excite me. I’m looking forward to the year ahead.
Next year I wanna save up to buy a nice violin and join an orchestra to keep myself in practice. I was playing the violin from the age of 9 until I was 20. Now I'm 26. I'm sure I'm a little rusty, but with some practice, I believe I could bring the skills back easily. I don't wanna lose the ability to play such a beautiful instrument. I thought I'd look for an orchestra that focuses on the theme songs of big movies. That'd be pretty cool. I also wanna sign up for a basketball tournament and just focus on keeping creating art. I wanna travel more, meet new people and just enjoy my life really.
The other day I was watching videos on YouTube and discovered a life advancement center called Rythmia in Costa Rica. Rythmia does different workshops on wellbeing but most importantly it offers professional ayahuasca ceremonies.
It was about 4 years ago when I heard about ayahuasca and DMT for the first time and something resonated in me then. I never had the opportunity to try it myself, but it's something that I would definitely do in the right conditions. I did some research back then, but after a while I kind of left it. I felt like if I were put myself in a situation to experience something like this I would want to feel 100% safe, but that moment of time, I didn’t know where to go or who to turn to. Now listening to the experiences that people had there on YouTube, helped me a lot with my own healing process because they reminded me of lessons that I’ve learnt in the past, but in the midst of life, somehow I slowly forgot to honour them. I feel so much more connected to myself just by listening to the stories of people, imagine how I would feel if I could experience it for myself. I feel pretty confident that Rythimia would be the perfect place to go, but it's quite expensive (I mean, for my budget right now). They don’t have exact pricing on their website but I’m sure a week there at the end would cost between £2-3K, but now it's another thing that I feel pretty motivated to save up for. In the next 2 years - aiming for 1 - I'd like to go and try the plant medicine, ayahuasca myself. I’m really excited for what she has to show me, and I hope it will help me to heal myself at my core.
So yeah, I'm in a pretty good mindset at the moment. Looking back, this year I was very hard on myself with a lot of negative self-talk. Never feeling good enough. For some reason I kept forgetting how crucial it is to be nice to myself. I was so consumed by my relationship with Swimmers that I completely neglected the relationship with myself. The result? A lot of blogs filled with confusion. I really hope I learned my lesson and that I’ll be smarter moving forward. Now I know, I don't need anyone to feel complete or happy but myself. Don’t get me wrong. It’s nice to have that special someone that you can share your life with, but I don’t think it’s necessary to be happy. There are a lot of wonderful people in life that we can share really special and beautiful moments with. Friends, family, co-workers, that brief friendly chat with a stranger on the bus, this moment with you, even if we're not in the same space. At some point I wrote my thoughts down and at some point you decided to read them, I believe we shared that moment, and that moment is right now. It's special and unique in its own way, and noone else was needed but you and me.
If one day I do meet people who could be potential partners, I need to choose wisely. And I used the word ‘choose’ on purpose. Teaming up with someone is a big decision that can not be taken lightly. If things go well - and the intention is for things to go well, right? - this person will be the father of my children. My partner in crime. I need somebody who is responsible, mature and I know I can always count on. Somebody who will bring the best out of me. Someone who wants to see me grow and thrive. Someone who wants to make me feel safe and will love me whole heartedly. I can’t just run off with the first person who smiles at me. I need to be selective. Not everyone wants the kind of relationship I do, and that’s ok. Something I learnt this year, it’s not my job to change that! If it has to be forced, it wasn’t meant to be. Let it go and make space for what was meant to be.
Don’t get me wrong. I know that I’m accountable for everything that I listed above as well. I understand that it’s a two way road, therefore I would never expect anything from anybody that I wouldn’t do for them. That’s why I know that my love is an incredibly precious one. It makes me so sad that I didn’t see that in the past. Basically I’ve been giving it away for free this whole time. From now on, I'll really do my best to not let this happen again. I will protect it and put a high price on it, and only give it to the person who’s willing to invest in it.
Heartbreak sucks. There are tough times in life but I’m not afraid of them, because I know I will come out on the other side smarter, wiser, more compassionate than I was before. On the other hand, sad times only make me appreciate the good ones even more. As long as I’m being true to myself, and have nothing but good intentions, I know everything's going to be ok and I’m looking forward to whatever is ahead! 2020! Bring it on!!!
Hope you’re well.
I see you in the next blog.
Love,
Sylv
If you’re interested in more about the ayahuasca experience and Rythmia, I found this video very helpful.