I can't help it


Previously on SylviaCreate…

  1. I meet a group of people from the Hangouts section of the app called Couch-surfing.

  2. I end up seeing one of them - I call Mr. Australia.

  3. Mr. Australia becomes distant and I’m trying to distract myself by going out with a new group of people.

  4. I meet someone in this new group who makes a move on me and I like it.

In the previous blog I started the story of Diablo, Miss Italy and Mr Swimmers and now it’s time to continue.

So as I mentioned before, we were at a restaurant and I was sitting next to Swimmers. He put his hand on my leg under the table which was a clear signal. He was interested. In that moment I knew I liked him too, and that started worrying me, because in this case the other two people’s feelings in the group were involved too.

We made our way to a club where I knew the people so I got us in for free. (yeah I used to work in hospitality. I know a lot of people). A few minutes in and a few round of drinks later Miss Italy tells me her friend is waiting outside. She asks if I could go to get her in too, so I make my way out with her and while we’re walking she lets out a big sigh. I ask her what’s up and she says;

“The boys”

“What’s up with them?”

“They do this all the time. They’re fighting over me. That’s what happened in Manchester too.”

(The training they all attended three months ago. Remember? Where Mr Swimmers and Miss Italy hooked up.) I didn’t know in the moment, if I should inform her that they’re kinda bickering over me this time, but I figured that might hurt her ego, so I just let her believe it’s her that’s in demand tonight. We meet her friend and I lead us back into the club. We rejoin the boys and start dancing. I see Mr Swimmers looking at me. He’s sizing me up. I shy away, but deep inside I know that I’m enjoying his attention. It’s been hours and Australia hasn’t even crossed my mind. Perfect. Just what I needed.

Later on, two more friends of Miss Italy joined us and we make our way to the main dance floor. Now it’s me, Diablo, Swimmers, Italy and 3 of her friends. We’re all enjoying the music, dancing next to each other very innocently, until Mr Swimmers had enough of playing it low key. He gets closer and closer to me and eventually he grabs me and pulls my body right onto his. OH….MY….FUCKING….GOD! He’s so tall and fit. My legs start shaking. He’s an inch away from kissing me, but I become very conscious of the people around us, so I pull away. Not gonna lie. I’m melting inside in this moment. I look at him and smile, but I’m just worried how Diablo and Italy will react to this. Few minutes later Diablo walks up to me and I start dancing with him. Not sexually, but more like in a playful way. He looks at me and ask;

“What’s my name?”


“What’s my name?”

- what is wrong with you man? Why are you asking me such a weird question? You know I know what your name is.

“What do you mean? It’s Diablo!”

“Are you sure it’s not Swimmers?”

Oh fuck! He’s pissed! I can’t handle the tension, so I excuse myself to the bar to get a round of drinks. - Nice move Sylvia! - I think to myself. So I make my way to the bar and Swimmers follows me. He leans on the counter next to me. I look at him and say;

“I see what you’re doing!”


”You’re making moves on me. But you have to understand other people’s feelings are involved too. I know you and Italy had hooked up before. On the other hand, Diablo’s the one who invited me out”

”Yeah, I messed around with Italy 3 months ago, but we never committed to each other. She doesn't own me, and you're not on a date with Diablo."

 - oh God! How do I argue with that? He's right, but for some reason this still feels wrong. I wish it was only the two us here. 

"Yes, but their feelings will still get hurt if they see us all over each other"  

"So what am I supposed to do? I met you, I really fancy you and I think we’re vibing" 

- oh fuck! I like you too, but that's how it always starts. I like you, I develop feelings for you and then you leave me just like how you're leaving Italy now. Your kind had made me feel unworthy so many times before. The only reason I even came out tonight is because I’m hurting from another fucker. When am I going to learn? Why am I doing this to myself? Why are they doing this to me? I hate them! I wanna be the one and only. I need someone who will treat me right. I can't fall for their pretty face and charming smile anymore. I have to be stronger than the chemicals in my brain. Come on Sylvia, you got this! I finally break the silence.

"I know your kind!"

"My kind?" 

"Yes! You're fucking a different girl every weekend. You could never get serious, and I'm just tired of getting nowhere. I'm sick of just fucking around." - good girl! Now he’s gonna laugh it off and walk away.

“Are you saying I’m a fuckboy?” - he asks

“Yes, you’re such a fuckboy”

"You don't know me.”

“Have you even ever been in a relationship?”

“Yes, I've been in serious relationships before, and yeah, I'd love to date you." 

- What??? You wanna date me? How do you know wanna date me? You don’t even know me!

- Sylvia what are you doing? You’re making him think you wanna be in a relationship with him, but you know if Australia gets backs to you, you’re gonna run right back into his arms. Now you’re gonna hurt Swimmers’ feelings too.

- Feelings? He’s a fuckboy. He doesn’t have feelings. The only thing he feels is the boner in his pants and he knows exactly what to say to get into mine. Arrrggg….he’s so beautiful though. I wish I could believe him.

“You’re just saying what you think I want to hear.”

“No, I’m really not.”

“We should probably go back.”

I grab the drinks and head back to the dance floor. Swimmers follows me. We rejoin the group and I see him looking at me. I keep on dancing and he gets closer. Few seconds in he comes to me and grabs me again. This time he’s even more upfront and he’s ready to kiss me, when I push him away.

“It’s not gonna happen, I’m sorry”

“Why? You don’t like it?”

- of course I do! But I can’t let you get to me, plus it would probably break Italy’s heart to see you kissing me and Diablo is already angry with the both of us.

“I’m not gonna make out with you in front of your friends.”

“So you want me to stop?”

- no!!! Please don’t stop! I love having your attention!

“No, I like your attention”

“Aha! So it’s my attention you like, not me!”

- yeah, probably. I mean you haven’t really done anything to make me….

Before I could finish my train of thoughts and come up with an answer, out of nowhere a random girl gets between us, pulls him away and starts dancing up and down on him. I see him holding onto her the same way, he was holding onto me a few minutes ago. Then I see her kissing him, and him kissing her back.

- and you want to date me. Yeah right! As quickly you were in, just as quickly you’re out! Just like all the other guys in the past. You could never get serious with anybody. You just do whatever feels good for you in the moment, and you don’t even think about how your actions might affect the people around you.

- I told you Sylvia! He’s such a fuckboy. He’s not worth your time nor energy. I’m glad you didn’t give in. Now you can leave with two new friends, as well as your dignity.

I don’t feel angry with him in this moment. I’m more busy being proud of myself. I look around to see what the rest of the group is doing, then I spot Diablo standing in the middle of the dance floor. Everyone is dancing but him. I should probably go and check on him. I walk up to him and ask what’s wrong. (Like I don’t know) He doesn’t say anything just walks away. I wait a few minutes, thinking he’ll come back, but he doesn’t, so I start to make my way off of the dance floor. As I’m walking, I pass Swimmers and his new bride to be and I say to him “I hope you’re having a great time.” I don’t even know if he heard me. I can’t look at his face right now. I just keep on walking.

I go outside and I see Diablo leaning against the wall, looking at me and shaking his head. I walk up to him and ask;

“What wrong Diablo? Talk to me!” - yeah Sylvia, like it’s not obvious. He likes you. His friend is hitting on you and you’re clearly enjoying it. He feels pushed to the side and not good enough.

“You wouldn’t understand it. You’re a girl."

- Man, this is the stupidest excuse you could have come up with.

“Come on! This is the worst excuse I’ve ever heard! Tell me!”

"You don't know what it's like to go out with Swimmers" 

"What do you mean?" 

"He's tall, and good looking. Girls are always all over him and suddenly I'm just a second choice. It's like we're a pack of wolves and he's the alpha."

- ahh poor guy! I feel bad for him. I wish I could say he's wrong, and I wanna be with him just as much as I wanna be with Swimmers but that'd be a lie. Come on Sylvia, think! Say something comforting! 

"Come on Diablo! You're a great guy!" - great? Really? Is this the best you could come up with?

He says nothing but lets out a weak laughter under his nose and shakes his head while looking at me. I feel uncomfortable so I have to break the silence. 

"What makes you think that?" - Sylvia you're only making matters worse.  

"This is the second time he did this. He did in Manchester with Italy and now he's doing it with you."  

- what a fucking player! What is wrong with us girls? Why are we falling for guys like him so easily? What is it about them that's so irresistible? You should be with Diablo! He's safe. He'd be happy to have you. To Swimmers, you're just one of the many. Look at Diablo! He's a good looking guy too. He might not be as tall as him, but he's still cute isn't he? 

- yes he's cute but I don't want cute! If I wanted something cute I'd be looking at videos of puppies and kittens. I want something with sex appeal. I want someone whose smile makes my heart race and whose touch makes my legs shake. Plus when was the last time I played it safe? Never! You know why? Because I love the chase! I love the hustle. I love being on the edge not knowing what's gonna happens next. It spices things up, keeps life exciting.

-  You know exactly what's gonna happen next. He's gonna have sex with you a few times then he'll leave you as soon as someone else comes along who tickles his fantasy. In fact! He's already in the mouth of someone else. You keep jumping into the same river Sylvia, can't you see???

Diablo interrupts my inner battle by saying: 

"Even you wouldn't even be here, if Swimmers wasn't busy with another girl right now." 

I didn't like to hear that. But what I hated the most was that he was right. I had nothing on my mind I could say to him. I'm just looking at him shamefully. 

I see from the corner of my eye that Miss Italy is walking towards us. She walks up to us and asks;

"What's up?" 

"Diablo's upset" - I reply

Diablo's shaking his head.  

"Come on Diablo! Don't be upset over guys like Swimmers. Don't let him ruin your night."  - says Miss Italy

"You don't know what it's like to be second." - Diablo responds 

"You're not second. Swimmers is not the type of guy any girl would take seriously. He's only good for sex, but he's not a good company." - Italy goes

- Really? I know I don't know Swimmers enough to comment on this but considering that he's a fuckboy, she's probably right. On the other hand I see that Italy's words are softening Diablo's frown, and suddenly I feel the need to give her a helping hand, so I go;

"Yeah totally! He's only good to get that extra energy out of your system. Nothing else."

- Okay Sylvia, hope you’re happy. You’re officially part of the ‘let’s hate on Swimmers’ club! How do you know?

- I don't.

Italy's nodding her head. Diablo's looking at me and laughs derisively. 

"Sylvia, you're not helping!" 

- Fuck Diablo! I know you wanna be ‘that guy’. The one girls wanna use to let the extra energy out on but you're not! And you know why? Because even-though you're a good looking guy too, you're insecure and you show it. It turns us off. Swimmers doesn't give a fuck. He's confident and that's attractive. What do you want me to say? That I don't care about Swimmers anymore and I wanna fuck with you instead? But if that's not how I feel I'm not gonna say it. Jesus! I just met these people few hours ago and there's already a lot more drama going on than in a soap opera during a whole season. 

Diablo waits a minute for me to say something but he sees that my brain in unable to load in, so he says;

"Let's go inside."  

- Ahh finally!  

So we all start to make our way back into the club. Swimmers is coming out, looking for us. Diablo and Italy passes by him, but I stop and pull him to the side.

“You know everyone’s pretty upset with you”

“What did I do?”

“You were hitting on me and that upset everyone.”

“But why? I just came out to have a good night. I met you, I fancied you and now everyone is upset with me.”

“Because this is a tricky situation. You have history with one of the people in the group, plus it’s Diablo who invited me out”

“Yes, but Italy and I are not committed to each other and you’re not on a date with Diablo.”

- Come on Sylvia! He’s making a valid point!

- Yes, but there are some unwritten rules we have to follow out of moral reasons! Why should I break the “girl-code” over a guy who would never take me seriously? I mean he was just in the mouth of another girl!

- But that kinda made you want him ever more, didn’t it?

- ….Yeah….

“Why are you so persistent? You were literally just kissing another girl!” - I continue

“What was I supposed to do? You shut me down completely!”

“Oh, I see. So the only choice you had was to walk into the mouth of another woman?”

“I didn’t walk into hers. She walked into mine.”

- okay, he got me on this one.

“But I’m not with her anymore. I’m here talking to you.” - Swimmers continues

Oh boy! He’s looking me in the eye and he’s giving me that smile again. I can feel my flesh soften up. He’s getting to me.

- no Sylvia, no!! Don’t let him!

- Why? Perhaps I should give him a chance. Maybe it's all in my head. Who knows...what if we could have something good? Am I not going to give it a try because Italy had sex with him? Good for her. So what?

I grab his hand and lead him to the bar to get another round of drinks. We get to the counter, Swimmers turns to me and says;

"Tell me what should I do? I met you, I loved listening to your stories. I fancy you and I thought you fancied me too.

- Looks like to matter how tall I build this wall between us he sees right through it. He knows I want him. I know I want him. Okay Sylvia, think! What should he do? He should see me when Diablo and Italy are not around.

- so I go ahead and tell him!

"Okay. If I were you I would get my number and meet me another time when the guys are not around.”

“I left my phone in my bag. It’s in the cloakroom. Let me save my number in yours, but promise me you’ll call me.”

- really? Are you worried about me not calling you?

- come on Sylvia, you have to admit that’s kinda sweet. Maybe he does like you after all.

He takes my phone and puts his number in and asks under what name he should save it so that I remember it’s him. Before I could come up with anything, he types ‘Swimmers’ (well, his actual first name) then ‘Fuckboy’.

That made me laugh. Okay, he’s funny. I like his vibes. He’s chill. Definitely not an over-thinker, like me. After saving his number he continues;

“I didn't mean to upset anybody. I just came out to have a good night, but now everybody hates me. My last train is gone. I don't even know where I'm gonna sleep tonight." (He doesn’t live in London)

-Sylvia look at that pretty face! Poor thing is worried about where he's gonna sleep tonight. You can't let him sleep on the streets, come on! Offer your place! 

Before I could think this through, I catch my mouth talking for me.  

"Okay, if you want, you can crash at my place."

- What??? That's it? He's in? Oh Gosh! He won! That’s it! Game’s over!!

"But don't expect anything!" - I quickly add.

- Sylvia, are you sure it's not you who's expecting something?

"I think that's a great idea! Thank you very much!" - Swimmers responds

 - Did I really just tell this guy to come over? To my place? Into my room? Where my bed is? 

- Ah, yes girl!!! And you know you can't wait to be with him…Alone…Just the two of you…

- Sylvia, you're hopeless. You're gonna die alone.  

- Hahaha. But at least I'll die fun! 

I grab his hand and we make our way back to the dance floor. I thought we’re about to join the group again, but when we get back, I can’t see Diablo nor Italy nor Italy’s friends. It’s just me and Swimmers now.

- ooooo, very dangerous! No pressure to hold back.

Swimmers start dancing with me. For a few seconds it’s all very innocent, but he can’t hold his energy back for too long. He grabs me and pulls me close. He’s teasing to kiss me.

- ahhh…it feels sooo good!

- Sylvia! The guys might come back at any moment! You can’t let Italy see you kissing him. Stand your ground!

- Bitch, what are you holding back for? Just because you’re trying to be considerate of other people’s feelings, it doesn’t mean they would be considerate of yours. You know that! You’ve been let down and fucked over so many times before. People don’t give a shit. People are selfish, that’s just how it is. If she was in your position, she would be doing the same thing. Why are you taking the chance away from something good just because you’re worried about other people’s feelings. In fact, if you were honest with yourself you’d know that in reality it’s not even about their feelings. You’re more worried about what they think about you. You’re worried that they’re not gonna like you. Stop being such a hypocrite! On the other hand, if Italy and Swimmers had a chance, Swimmers would be with her right now. He doesn’t wanna be with her. Tonight he chose you! Their story is over either way. Now it’s your call to see where this path will take you. I say let’s not worry about what other people think. Live your life! Be in the moment and enjoy it!

- I’m sorry Italy, I can’t help it! I don’t want to help it!

As soon as I finish my inner dialogue, there’s no more holding back on the dance floor. I let him kiss me and I pull him even closer. Then I turn around and I press my bum against his crotch. He’s breathing down my neck, and I couldn’t be more turned on by him. I know he feels the same way. I’m not sure how long we were dancing all over each other, because time just didn’t seem to exist in that moment, but the next thing I remember was that I opened my eyes after another kiss and I see the guys standing next to us.

- OMG! They saw it all!

Immediately I feel self-conscious again. I’m worried about how they’re going to react.

- They hate me now!

- So what? Let them hate. You’re with Swimmers now. You love it and you know it!

- Yeah, I do! Very much!

Now we’re all just standing next to each other awkwardly. Swimmers and I are forming a group and Italy, Diablo and Italy’s entourage forming another. We’re all pretending like everything’s fine, but the tension is tangible in the air.

- oh come on! Let’s leave already! This is no fun for either of us anymore.

A few minutes pass by when someone finally suggests to go home. We leave the dance floor and make our way to the cloakroom. We all grab our possessions and start walking. I’m trying to figure out the protocol in a situation like this, but it never happened to me before, so I’m lost.

- Should I say goodbye? Are they expecting us to go with them? Do they know that Swimmers is staying at mine? Should I tell them? Should he tell them? When do we tell them? Now or when we would go on separate ways? How are they going to react? Are they going to judge me?

- Oh girl, they’re already judging you with all the judges of humanity, but Who the fuck cares!?!?

I’m just walking besides Swimmers in dead silence at this point. My thoughts are running wild. Italy, Diablo, Swimmers and I are quiet. The other three friends of Italy are trying to break the awkward silence by talking to each other. Sometimes to Italy.

- come on Sylvia, it’s almost over. Hang in there!

We finally reach their bus stop, but Swimmers and I need to go to a different one.

- Now what? Are we going to wait until their bus arrives? I wanna leave, but I don’t know how.

Italy walks up to us and asks Swimmers to talk to her in private, so Swimmers leaves my side and now I’m standing there alone feeling very exposed. I think one of Italy’s friend felt a bit bad for me, because she started talking to me in a friendly way. It felt good to have her to fill the awkward silence. I see Italy and Swimmers talking from the corner of my eye and I just can’t wait for the situation to be over. A few minutes later their bus is finally here, so they get on. Swimmers comes back to me and I grab onto him. I didn’t say a single word to any of them, just waited for the bus to close its doors, then Swimmers and I started to make our way to our bus stop.

To be continued…

There’s songs that I think goes really well with this experience. I thought I link it in, because why not? It’s my blog I do whatever the fuck I want. Muhahaha

Szilvia Szekely