What’s done is done. (+18)

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Previously on SylviaCreate...

  1. I meet a group of people from the Hangouts section of the app called Couch-surfing.

  2. I end up seeing one of them - I call Mr. Australia.

  3. Mr. Australia becomes distant and I’m trying to distract myself by going out with a new group of people.

  4. I meet someone in this new group who makes a move on me and I like it.

  5. This guy and I start making out in a club and at the end of the party, we both head back to my place.

Now it's time again to continue the story. - I’m going to refer to some people from the blogs called “Hey, you!” and “I can’t help it”, so if you need to catch up, go and check those ones out first.

So, I left it off at the part where Diablo, Miss Italy and her friends got on the bus and left. Swimmers and I started to make our way to our bus stop.

As we're walking I ask Swimmers what Italy had to say to him. He told me that basically she thinks it was really disrespectful of us to make out in front of them. I didn't know what to say. I understand where she's coming from but on the other hand I knew both Diablo and Italy will move on with their lives eventually. It’s not like either of them had the right to claim any of us. We all made our decisions and I was just happy to have Swimmers by my side.

We finally make it to our bus stop and a few minutes later, our bus arrives too. We get on, sit down and my mind starts running. I'm not saying a single word to Swimmers, just staring out of the window.

- what is going on? What am I doing? What do I want from this guy?

- you know he's not gonna be your boyfriend.

- well, if nothing else, he can bang Australia out of my mind.

- so you're gonna have sex with him?

- I don't know. Maybe....yeah probably. He's really hot.

- What the hell? Am I a fuckgirl? I’m such a fuckgirl! Few hours ago I was accusing Swimmers of being a fuckboy but in reality I'm the one who's been jumping from guy to guy lately.

"What are you thinking about?" - Swimmers asks.

"Well...just that maybe before I'm accusing you of certain things, I should probably have a look inside first." - I answer.

He says something to ease my mind but I can’t stop the inner chatter.

- Damn, girl!!! You’re such a payer, haha! Look at you! You’ve got nothing to feel bad about, and now you see that you don’t have to cry over anybody. It’s so easy to replace them. Wherever you go, guys hit on you. They want you! Just enjoy it! Don’t let them get to you. Don’t let them break your heart. Promise me that you’re not gonna cry over someone who never really cared about you, ever again! They don’t deserve your tears. Promise!

- I promise…but…what if Swimmers genuinely likes me?

- here we go again! Stop this non-sense already! You know he’s gonna be gone soon too.

- yeah, I guess…well…at least I have someone to hold tonight. Someone to take my mind off of Australia.

About half an hour later we approach our stop and get off the bus. We start walking towards my house and Swimmers says;

“You know, if you just give me a pillow and I can sleep on the floor.”

He can sense that I’m a bit cold towards him, but imagining him sleeping on the floor breaks my heart.

- boy, even if we’re not gonna have sex, there’s no way you’re gonna sleep on the floor. Especially when I have a bed big enough for the both of us.

“You’re not gonna sleep on the floor” - I mumble back to him.

We finally arrive, and I lead him to my room. I offer him some shirts that are quite big for me but he says he’s fine, he just wants to use the bathroom quickly. I show him the way than I go back to my room. While he’s busy in the bathroom, I quickly change and put a comfy shirt and some shorts on, then dim the lights.

- I’m not gonna have sex with him. He’s just gonna stay the night over and he’ll leave tomorrow. It’s all fine.

He opens the door and comes back into my bedroom wearing nothing but a boxer. He's about a foot taller than me, he's got broad shoulders and every single muscle on his body is perfectly toned! Not too much, just the right amount. Just the way I like it!

- OMG! He is so freaking hot!

- ahh, I really wanna run my hands over his back!

- this guy is sex itself walking on two legs, and now he's about crawl into the same bed with you! Good luck, girl! 

He slides into my bed, then I slide next to him. I turn to him and we scooch a little closer. He puts his hand on my waist and I put my arm around his shoulder.

- alright. Just a friendly cuddle. All good. All good!

Then he reaches out and kisses me. I kiss him back. 

- just a kiss! Just a kiss!! I don’t wanna be another girl on is list.

“I’m not gonna have sex with you tonight” - I tell him as soon as I stop for air.

“It’s ok” - he says, then reaches out for another kiss.

I drink his kisses like water in dry season. As his hands are sliding up and down on my body, I realise that I might have drank too much of his kisses because dry season is rapidly turning into wet season 😂

- ah, I’m so turned on by him.

- Sylvia, hold it together!

Swimmers stops for a second to squeeze a sentence out.

“I fancy you, so much” - he goes

- sure you do!

He can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes. I'm still having doubts about everything he says regarding how much he "likes me". To me they're just words. Nothing I haven’t heard before.

- time will prove him wrong.

He keeps touching and grabbing me and I just don’t have enough will power to stop him. It’s obvious after all these years, I’m still in denial. I keep telling myself I’m in control. I can make conscious decisions and I can follow them through, but in reality my feelings in the moment always overwrite my reasons. No matter how stupid of an idea seems to be, if it feels good, I’ll do it anyway. And it’s true the other way around too. If it doesn’t feel good, no matter how many reasons are supporting it, there’s no way l’m gonna do it. Which is fine, but I wish I just stopped lying to myself about it.

Swimmers continues kissing me and I feel his hands sliding between my legs.  

- ah, it feels sooo good!  

- Sylvia, if you let him go any further, you'll reach the point of no return.

- he's so young (4 years younger than me) and probably fucks around a lot. He must be really selfish in bed. It's gonna be all about him and you're not even gonna enjoy it.

- yeah Sylvia! Tell him to stop!

In this very moment Swimmers stops, looks me in the eye, smiles and his head slowly start to slide down on my stomach. 

- OMG!! He's gonna go down on me!!! 

He pulls my shorts off, then my panties and starts playing with me. I lose my fucking mind! I’m taking each breath as deep as it was the last, then a few minutes in, I make my decision.

- that's it! I can't take all this teasing anymore! He just has to fuck me! 

"I've got condoms!!!" - I say to him, while I’m still catching my breath.

He smiles and says;  

"Good girl" 

- he just called me "good girl"! Fuck!!! This is so sexy!

I stop him and rush to my drawer to pull a pack of condoms out. I’m shaking while I’m opening the box, but once I manage to get one out, I hand it to him. He takes his boxer off and OMFG! I suddenly understand what he’s so confident about. He rolls the condom on and leans over me. The anticipation is making every single nerve in my body fire at once. He kisses me gently then slides in.

- ah yes!

He starts off slowly and gently then he turns up the pace a little and soon he’s in full gear. He’s so into it, and it turns me on so much, but what’s surprising me the most is that he’s reading my body and he’s doing it incredibly well. Everything happens at the perfect moment. He knows when to slow down and when to go faster. None of the guys in the past could figure this out as much as Swimmers can, no matter how old or “experienced” they were.

He turns me onto my stomach and he enters me from behind and when I think this can’t get any better he grabs my hair and pulls it. Not so much that it would hurt, again, just the right amount! Ahhh!

- holy shit! I didn’t see this coming, but it’s so hot!

- Yeah baby! Show me what you got! Own it! Own me!

He just knows exactly what to do and when to do it. I don’t understand. This is the first time I’m with this guy. All odds were against him, yet here we are and I’m having the best time. How is this even possible? I’m just speechless, but frankly it’s not the time to talk anyway. Unless it’s dirty. 😜

He grabs me and turns me on my back again and continues from the front. As he turns the pace up a notch, he puts his hand around my neck and pushes me against the bed! Not in a way that I can't breath, just right! It's insane how much I'm vibing with his sexual energy. We’re so in sync, it’s unbelievable.

Most guys after we're done ask (if they ask) what it is that I like in bed. I would tell them, I think I'd like a little bit of rough game. Little bit of hair pull, maybe a bit of choking, but not to the point where it would be degrading. I mean don't spit or slap me in the face. Next time, the guy might try but it would feel really unnatural and forced. As soon as we start having sex, I'd be thinking to myself "really? Is this what I wanted so bad? Come on dude! Just cum already!"

But Swimmers? He's a natural. I just can't get enough of him. He makes not just the finish line, but the whole experience so much fun! It’s so good I can’t wrap my mind around it!

- I could fuck with this guy all day, all night.

Well...We didn’t end up fucking all night, but once we were done I was really happy it happened. I mean, it was literally a great fucking experience.

The entire night I’m having a hard time to fall asleep properly because the sheer fact that he’s laying next to me is turning me on. Every time he makes the slightest move, I wake up. I manage to doze off every now on then, but it takes quite some time to actually fall asleep. In the morning he starts moving around and it knocks me out of my sleeping state, but as soon as his hand touches my body I immediately gain full consciousness. I’m ready to roll, baby!

We end up enjoying two more rounds and then we’re just laying next to each other talking. He tells me, he used to swim professionally. - And now you know why he’s got the name; “Swimmers” - Then we talk about relationships and how men and women operate differently. We start a conversation on trust. Now, this is an area where I have issues - mostly because of past experiences.

My father had cheated on my mother a couple of times, and when it comes to me, many times when I was seeing someone who allegedly “fancied me so much”, turned out to be fucking around too. (In their defence, we weren’t exclusive as they gave me the “I’m not looking for a relationship, but let’s see what happens” talk, but it still fucking hurts when wherever I go, all I can think about is him, only to find out that I'm just one of the many to him)...And I haven’t even mentioned the cases when guys in relationships were hitting on me or other girls when their girlfriends weren’t around. What I'm trying to say is that now I’m having a hard time to trust men when it comes to dating and romance. I’m second guessing everything they say and do.

As we’re talking about trust and relationships I say;

“You just don’t know what the other person does when you’re not around. What if he’s flirting and making out with other girls?”

“But this is not something that’s in your control. You just have to be able to trust your partner that they won’t cross the line” - Swimmers responds

- hmmm…he’s right. Something I always preach, yet I’m having a hard time to practice. We can’t control what’s happening in the world outside of us. The only thing we can control is what’s happening in world within us. I just I hope one day I get to experience this level of trust with someone.

We keep on talking for a few hours, and let me tell you, I’m surprised how easy it is to keep the flow of the conversations. He’s a good chat too. Who would have thought? This guy is full of surprises, and I like surprises!

The night before, when I met Swimmers and the rest of the group, I mentioned my blog to them in the bar when they asked “what would you be doing if you weren’t out with us?” I was hesitating to bring up my personal projects, because they’re really personal (as you can tell). It still cringes me out to think that people who know me personally might be reading these blogs, because I have to be able to look them in the eye after, knowing that they know all this shit about me. However, I don’t want to lie about it. It’s a big and important part of my life, so I won’t hide it either. I told them, it’s like a very personal journal but once I’m done, instead of hiding it under my bed, I chose to share it with the world.

In the morning while I’m laying in bed with Swimmers talking, he redirects the conversation to me and my blog.

“I really wanna read this blog of yours” - he says

- alright Sylvia, think! The last blog you wrote is about how much you’re into Australia and all the other guys you’re messing with lately. Not talking about earlier blogs where you talk about your mental struggles, and your daddy issues.

- this is the kinda stuff that turns a guy right off. He’ll never speak to you again.

“no, you don’t, believe me!” - I respond

“no, I really do!”

“no you don’t!”

“yes, I do!”

- The blog topic came up with Australia too, but it was so easy to shut him down, and he never brought it up again….But wow! Swimmers is so persistent. Maybe he does want to know me. But what if he’s not gonna like me?

- I don’t care.

- really? If you don’t care whether he likes you or not, then why do you care if he reads the blog or not? Why do you care if he’ll talk to you again or not?

“I’ll think about it” - I say

I just end up changing the topic. We order a pizza and I let him know I have to be somewhere later this afternoon. As time passes and I have to start to get ready, I get up to take a shower. Once I'm done, I come back into the room and while I'm putting some clothes on he says something that really surprises me.

"I really hope this wasn't just a one night thing and you're gonna call me"

- what???? I thought this was my kinda fear. Something only girls worry about. Is it possible that a guy may feel used too? For sex??? What??? I thought sex is exactly what they wanna be used for! Especially a guy like Swimmers? He can go to a bar next weekend and girls would be all over him. Why does he care if I call him or not? How am I any different from any other girl? 

- he likes you, you idiot! 

- no! That can't be it! 

While I'm getting ready he's laying in my bed watching me and commenting. 

"Wow! Your hair is so long!" 

"I know, it's ridiculous!" 

"I love it!" 

Girls compliment on my hair all the time but guys usually only comment on things that they can fuck, like my ass, my body etc, so I find it really flattering that he takes the time to observe me in a different light and that he’s voicing it too.

Few minutes later he goes;

 "I really like that accent of yours"

I start to feel really warm inside from these little compliments he's sprinkling on me here and there.  

- this guy is really noticing me. 

Once I'm done, I crawl in bed with him and cuddle for a few minutes. He's stroking my head, and I'm really enjoying the moment, but I'm aware that it'll end soon and at this point I'm not sure it'll happen again. 

- he’s worried about you not calling him! Isn’t that sweet? Go on, give him your number!

I give him a ring and he saves my number too. Now it's time to leave for the both of us. I'm meeting a friend and he has to catch his train, so we get up and walk out the door. For a little while we’re walking along side each other but soon we reach end of the street where we have to say goodbye. 

"Alright, this is it. You have to go down on this street and at the end of it you'll see your station" - I say

"Thank you for having me. I had a great time!" 

- okay, how are we gonna play this? Cold and uninterested? Or friendly and cool?

"It was my pleasure. Thanks for coming over.” - I reply

- this is it! You might never see this guy again.

- noooo!! I kinda want to see him again.

“You’ve got my number now. Let me know if you wanna hang out.” - I quickly add

Swimmers smiles, and I lean towards him to give him a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek. We both start to walk in different directions, but we look back at each other for one more time and say;

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

Szilvia Szekely