Can't seem to let go

I took a little break from the blogs. Why? I simply didn’t feel like writing one and now I do. I see people coming to the website checking stuff out, and I kinda feel bad for being inactive but the past few months have been all over the place for me. I’ve been furloughed since April. Wow! Over 7 months now. Crazy times. At first, especially during the lockdown, I hated it, but now, I’m actually finding it really enjoyable. I went back to Hungary and spent 2,5 months with my family and at the end of June, I came back to the UK and living life ever since. I don’t know when I’m gonna have this much free time to myself again, so I’m not in a rush to get back to work if you know what I mean.

I moved to a new location, which was quite stressful but now that it’s all done, I’m really happy here and I like my new place a lot. Love life has been all over the place. OMG, okay so I’m not gonna go into the details too much but Swimmers was kind of back in the picture for a while. Don’t get too excited or upset he’s out of it again lol. Long story short, we started texting each other over lockdown, and it’s a bit embarrassing but a big chunk of the reason why I came back from Hungary was to see him. After I got back his energy wasn’t the same anymore and he wasn’t as keen to see me as he previously indicated, so I got upset and just left it.

“I’m really done this time.” I told myself. Then the move happened, and I felt like it was a fresh start. New place, new chapter, new me. Then a few weeks later he messaged me that he wanted some pictures taken and asked if I could help him out and do it for him. Me, like an idiot, of course, I couldn’t say no to him, and he came over. Obviously, after seeing him, I did feel some feelings coming back and I was confused as to why it’s so hard to let this guy go, but I tried not to think too much of it. After we were done with the photo shoot, we ended up having lunch together and even though I didn’t want to start bringing the past up, we ended up talking some of the things through and to my surprise when I mentioned things that he did to me that were hurtful, he wasn’t trying to explain it or turn it against me (like he usually does), but instead, he listened and seemed to be apologetic and understanding. So that was good. I got to get things off of my chest, we hugged it out and he went on his way. Then he messaged me saying that he wants to see me again and me, like an idiot, I agreed to it. Long story short, I ended up sleeping with him.

I told him during our lunch that day, that we don’t have to hate each other and we can stay friends but sex has to be off the table because I can’t separate sex from feelings and if he doesn’t wanna be with me then we should just be friends. No sex. He seemed to be on board, but clearly, that didn’t last long. I don’t wanna put all the blame on him though, deep down I kind of knew that this would happen if I agreed to see him again. I mean sex was the best part of our relationship, so I knew if he made a move on me, it would be impossible to resist it, but I chose to lie to myself and tried to be naive about it and it did happen as I said before. So then we were kind of texting again and we hang out again, and I slept with him again. At this point, we hung out 3 times and slept with each other twice. However sex is not everything in life so I knew sooner or later I’m gonna start needing more than that. You know like respect and a genuine connection.

About a week ago, he messaged me that he wants to see me. I got excited of course and got back to him telling which days I’m available. An hour passes by with no reaction. Two hours pass by, no answer. Meanwhile, I’m on my phone and anytime I go on Instagram, I see he’s online too. I mean at this point I’m like, “why is he not responding if he’s on his phone too?” But I was like “you know what? It’s fine. He’ll get back to me soon.” Three hours go by, still no reply. I see he’s online again, I’m starting to get pissed off. “Girl, he’s just straight-up ignoring you.” I tell myself, but I swallow my pride and still don’t say anything. Four hours go by and still nothing. Now at this point anytime I was online, he was too. So he’s on his phone he just can’t be bothered by the fact that I’m trying to talk to him. I’m furious for so many reasons, but mostly because I just feel so disrespected. I mean, this was the exact reason why I stormed off the last time and he just doesn’t give a shit. And my inner battle begins.

“Sylvi, it’s fine, he’ll message you some time. Let it go.” - I’m trying so hard to calm down, but the more I try to push my anger to the side, the louder it gets;

“How many times, are you gonna allow him to disrespect you like this and just let it slide? This guy clearly doesn’t give two fucks about you. He’s either playing evil mind games on you, or he simply doesn’t care about seeing you. I’m telling you, he was probably just checking if you would still go running if he whistled. There’s no other explanation as to why he’s ignoring you.”

“Maybe he’s busy with something.” - an other weak attempt to put out my fire.

“Stop making excuses for him! He’s been on his phone this whole time. If he was excited to see you too, he would have gotten back to you by now. End of story. I say you call his ass out now!”

As you can guess, I started messaging him again I went off on him. To that of course he got back within 5 minutes. It’s just so sad that I have to have a hissy fit for him to pay attention to me. I’m sick of it. If I’m being nice, he starts taking me for an idiot. Every…single…time and I never learn, which makes me frustrated with myself. So yeah, obviously he couldn’t understand why I was being upset and we left the conversation on bad terms. It’s been almost a week now and we haven’t spoken since, so I think it’s over again.

I have no intention to message him, and now I’m left here with my feelings. It’s like going through the break up again. I know I put myself in this situation by giving him access to me again and I understand it. I can’t help it though. I’ve been trying to move on from him for almost a year now, and it’s so hard man. I really did love this guy or call it being attached but I wanted nobody as much as I wanted him, but why? When we were together it was great but he hurt me so many times, so why can’t I let him go. Arggg…why? Just why? Why am I like this?

If I wanna be 100% honest, I still catch myself hoping to see his name pop on my screen sometimes, but I know it would be better to let go of all hope and move on. However, that’s just the rational side of my brain. It’s so hard to convince my heart to feel that way too. He’s still in my dreams every night, and I wake up feeling like shit. I don’t even wanna get out of bed most mornings. My heart doesn’t wanna accept that it’s over and it should stay that way. Then I gather my energy and start the day, but I still feel sad and bitter a lot. I hate it.

There’s a part of me that keeps thinking; in an alternative universe where I chose to say nothing, we’re probably still talking and hanging, so I regret my decision to stand up for myself. On the other hand, I know that we were gonna end at some point anyway. It was inevitable since we once again were not in it for the same reasons so it’s better to end things sooner than later. At least we’re not wasting each other time anymore, so yeah another part of me is glad that I stood up for myself and didn’t let his bullshit slide again. Argg! I really need to find a way to move on.

Everybody tells me I should delete and block him everywhere, and I know they’re right but I’m still not strong enough to do that. In some ways, I feel a type of comfort knowing that he’s got a way to me. Anytime I think about completely shutting him out, I feel an overwhelming amount of sadness come over me and I just can’t do it. I know it’s silly but that’s just how I feel right now.

I was gonna talk about other guys that have shown up on the scene since my last “affair” haha. There are a few new situations that started making me think, and I wanna get that off my chest too but I feel like this is enough content for one blog as an update. I promise I tell you more in the next one.

Stay safe and healthy!

Love, Sylv x