Waste of time 🔈

If you don’t feel like reading, just listen! 😊

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So here it is. Another blog. As you can tell I wasn’t crazy about the video I recorded last time. Watching it back I felt like I couldn’t articulate myself as much as I can in writing. However, I wanted to give it a fair shot, so today - 28th of Nov - I recorded footage for the next video (this blog), and although this time I wrote down points I wanted to go over, I was still rambling a lot, so 20min into it I knew I’m gonna go back to writing instead. I wanna keep the voice element though, that’s why I’m also recording this one, so let’s go. Here’s my next update…

Two blogs ago, I was ranting about how unhappy I’ve been feeling at work lately. I feel underpaid and uninspired. Not much going on at work that challenges me anymore. The following week after posting the blog I requested a meeting with my boss and I told him my issues. He was very much receptive and understanding. He gave me a rise. In fact he said “you worth every penny”….”We really appreciate your work, and the way you get around things.” So things went a lot better than I thought. But as you know it wasn’t just about the money. I need more creatively challenging work to do. I need to feel like I can progress, otherwise there’s no point for me to stay. He promised to include me in the creative process more. More video editing and production (which I always wanted) and he also said he’ll include me in the interviewing process and he will give me more of a senior role.

Great! I should have had this conversation with him a long time ago. I honestly don’t know why I waited so long. This is why my blogs are so helpful to me. Because I might feel a certain type of way, but for some reason I don’t truly acknowledge things until I address them here in my blogs. After writing them out, they stare right back at my face and that’s when I really start to do something about it. It’s like my head goes;

- Bitch! You know what the problem is. You know what to do. Fucking do it already!

When we had the conversation, my boss told me - because I asked - that I’m gonna get the raise from this month (November). A few days later he pulls me on the side and tells me that he can’t give me the raise from this month because of the financial year or something and that they can only give me a raise from January. That was the day when Swimmers and I really broke up (literally minutes ago) so I couldn’t even pay full attention to what he was saying. I couldn’t care less about money at that point, my head was all over the place. I was like;

- whatever….

Anyway. It’s fine. I can do 2 more months, but from next year I wanna see real changes. Because I’m done begging people to hear me out. I tell you once, I tell you twice what it is that I’m expecting and if you don’t make amends accordingly, I’m done. I’m not wasting my time on anything and anybody who’s not investing in me as much as I’m investing in them. Nothing personal, but I have to look after myself. After all, I’ve got nobody but me.

So here’s the plan. From January I give them 3 months to start giving me more senior jobs and if I see no change or just very minimal, I’m gonna start looking for another place to work for. I wanna give them a fair shot. I’m not crazy. I’m not expecting them to change everything from one day to the other, but I’m not getting any younger and can’t sit around waiting forever either. I need to take matters in my own hand. I need to be more proactive and less reactive.

Now on my current mental health. A few days after Swimmers and I broke up my brother came to visit me for 4 days, so I had to get my shit together and make sure our time together was a good time for the both of us. Didn’t wanna be sad or depressed and to be fair he was a good distraction too. But as soon as he left, a lot of feelings that I was holding back, came at me all at once. Reality just punched me in the face.

- I’m alone…again…

Don’t get me wrong, I still think breaking up was the right decision. But when you’re so used to having this person in your life, going from being in touch every day to not talking at all is fucking hard. And that’s something that can not be disregarded.

I watched a bunch of videos on how to get over a break-up. And most of them say; ‘just live your best life, pretend like you’re all fine, even if you’re dying inside. Don’t show that you’re hurting.’ I guess it’s the fake it until you make it approach. I don’t know…I don’t wanna have to pretend anything. If I’m not fine. I’m not fine. It’s okay. It’s part of life….We have to give ourselves time to process shit.

So yeah, I’m not saying this breakup absolutely destroyed me, but to say that I never think about it and I never get emotional over it, would also be an understatement. I was with Swimmers for most of this year, and that time can not be forgotten. I don’t want it to be forgotten. Even-though things didn’t work out between us, I don’t think it was a waste of time. Any time is only a waste of time, if you don’t learn anything from it - I think - and boy, believe me, this relationship with Swimmers taught me a lot. I learnt new things about myself and what it is that I need in a relationship. How to be with guys and so on and so forth. But don’t wanna make this blog too long so I’m gonna share those lessons in the next one. 😉

I hope y’all doing good. I see you on the next page!

Love,

Sylvia