The voices in my head

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Alright, I don’t even know where to begin. In my last blog, I thought I sorted my feelings out and I’m ready to get back to full gear, but do you see me posting more? No. So there’s a new method I’m trying out now. I stop giving myself such a hard time. The ‘manager’ side of me puts a lot of pressure on me and has high expectations. She needs to chill the fuck out. For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about let me catch you up. 

A couple of months ago I was hanging out with a group of people who were into psychology and hypnosis. One of the guys from the group once asked me;

“If you had to break down your personality to 4-5 characters, who would they be and how would you describe them?”

- hmmm…I never thought about it before,

But it wasn’t really hard to figure it out. After a few seconds in, I started naming them. Once they were all in front of me, lined up in my head, I found this exercise fascinating. I felt like I understand myself so much better.

Later on I thought, it’d be fun to capture them in a picture, so here they are…
(you’re gonna have to swipe to reveal their ‘bios’)

 

The reason why I’m sharing this now, is because I wanna call out ‘The Manager’ in me. She’s being a bit much lately.

I met up a friend of mine, the other day just to catch up with life and stuff. She asked how I was doing, and I said I constantly feel bad for not giving my 100% to my personal projects and she said;

“You have to stop giving yourself such a hard time. You’ve got a full time job, social life and a boyfriend”
(yes, Swimmers and I are back from the trip and since then I refer to him as my boyfriend, but I’ll catch you guys up on him in a bit too).

She also said;

“It’s a lot to juggle, and look at all the things you have accomplished thus far. Give yourself some credit. You’re not behind with anything.”

- aaaah…she’s so sweet!

Her words felt so nice. Kinda like when you have really strict parents and nothing’s ever good enough for them. Then you finally meet someone who says “you’re great”. 

The ‘strict parents’ is The Manager in my head. I know I disappoint her a lot. She’s a strong character but she needs to be more kind to me. Otherwise she’s just gonna piss the other characters off and they’re not gonna do anything to help her…To help me. On the other hand the other characters need to understand that she means well, and she’s the reason I’ve ever succeeded in anything. They just need to show some understanding and appreciation for each other. Even if there are disagreements, they have to remember they all have the best intentions at heart. So we need to find a middle ground for every decision, I end up making. 

For example, I have my alarm set for 5:30am every morning. I know The Manager wants me to get out of bed right away, but the rest of me likes to sleep in. So if I don’t get up immediately, The Manager gets angry but that only evokes resilience in me. I end up sleeping in even longer and I don’t get out of bed until around 7am. Now I barely have any time left, so why even bother? At this point every part of me is frustrated. Here’s what I’m thinking “we” could do. How about I make sure I go to sleep on time and in the morning I snooze for half an hour and get up at 6am? Wash my face, do my make up, get dressed, a do a little work before work? It sounds like a fair deal, doesn’t it?

It’s fucking crazy. I’m counselling the voices in my own head. But it’s important in order to find my way back to get along with myself again. Because I feel like that’s what’s tripping me up right now. Being hard on myself will not make me work harder. If anything it takes the joy out of everything. The voices in my head must have a good relationship before anything else in my life. It’s silly, isn’t it? I’m in a relationship with my own self. But it’s true. It’s a life long unescapable relationship, so I have find a way to make it a good one.

Talking about relationships. Let’s do a little recap on the Swimmers situation, shall we?

I can’t believe our trip to France with him and his family has come and it’s already passed. But ahhhh….it was so nice. I’m so happy they invited me along. His parents were super nice to me, and he was also a dream. We were floating along the canals, went wine-tasting, cycled around the town and had lovely food in beautiful restaurants every night. The best part of it was that I got to spend proper with him.

One night just before the end of the trip, I was laying next to him, he pulled me close and said;

“I’m really glad you came along. I had a great time with you and I feel closer to you now”

- awwww….isn’t he a sweety?

“Thank you for having me. I feel closer to you too” - I responded, and gave him a big hug...Then had sex 😁

The trip went great and I’m very happy to say that because a week prior to it, I wasn’t even sure I’m going. We had a bit of a fallout.

One night, I started acting like a psycho. We were texting over Whatsapp, making plans about the weekend. Instead of typing, I decided to call him, thinking we can figure things out quicker. When I called he didn’t pick up the phone. I’m thinking;

- we were just texting a second ago. Did he throw the phone one direction and ran the other way?

So I text him: “You’re online! You don’t hear me calling? I just wanted to figure the weekend out. I thought it’d be quicker on the phone” and he texts back; “Saturday should be free. Sorry, I can’t talk right now. Who would be coming to the beach?” (we were planning to go to the beach.)

I honestly don’t know what happened to me, but my thoughts started to spiral out of control like crazy.

- why can’t he talk to me?

- he can’t talk to you because he’s in someone’s company who he doesn’t want to know about you.

- oh! he must be with another girl! - I start shaking. My adrenaline levels rise to the roof.

- Sylvia, you’re being crazy. He must be in the middle of something, let it go.

- but I feel like he’s avoiding to tell me why he can’t talk to me. For all I know he’s home doing nothing. He shouldn’t have a reason not to pick up the phone. He must be with a girl!

- this is crazy! Just ignore it.

- bitch, don’t you dare let this slide so easily. You can’t let him be another fucker who plays you like this! Ask him why he can’t talk right now! Go on! Ask him!

So I text him back; “Is everything ok? Where are you?” I see my message go through, left on read but he doesn’t reply.

- oh you so got him! He can’t give you and explanation. He knows if he told you the truth you’d be upset, so he just ignores you.

I wait about 2 minutes but still nothing. “Why can’t you talk?”. Again, read but no answer.

- this is it! You got him. He’s so cheating on you.

- no! He wouldn’t do that to me.

- why doesn’t he respond then? What is he doing?? I bet he’s having dinner with somebody right now. The phone is under the table. He knows he’s in deep shit, so he’s reading them, but he doesn’t know what to reply. Plus he’s busy talking to the girl, and he’s trying not to look suspicious in front of her.

- That’s it. I’m gonna ask him.

- no!! Don’t do it! You’re gonna piss him off.

- I have to. I won’t let him think I’m stupid and that I don’t know what’s going on.

So I text him; “Are you with somebody?”. Read, but no answer.

- ooooh, he’s gonna be so pissed with me.

I message him again. “I don’t wanna jump into conclusions but you’re not answering makes me uneasy”. Then 2 minutes later I finally see him typing. “Too late, you already are. Chill Vee (he calls me Vee), Jeeze.”

Long story short, he tells me he was watching TV with his dad and his phone was on the side with the screen unlocked. He got pretty annoyed with me and left the conversation.

I immediately feel so stupid, my chest feels up with pain, and the built up anxiety in me needs a way to escape. I burst into tears.

- I’m so broken. How am I ever gonna have a healthy relationship if I can’t trust anybody?

The next day we didn’t speak all day. The following day (Saturday) my friend who we were planning to go to the beach with, ditched us. I was still happy to hang with Swimmers but he tells me we’ll do it another day then. I said; “ok, no problem.” A few hours later he messages me again and says; “I won’t lie, that whole thing the other day has really turned me off. I didn’t realise you were like that.” Then we exchanged a few messages about how I need to chill out and trust him. I said it’s hard because guys have played me a lot in the past, then he says that I can’t let bad experiences in the past ruin my future. Then I sent this to him;

“I understand it rationally. However in a weak moment my emotions still can get the best of me…I'm trying hard to give everyone the benefit of doubt, because as you said I don’t want the past ruin my future, but there are certain triggers that remind me of signs that I ignored in the past and they cost me greatly later. Things like "I'm not looking for a relationship" "let's keep things casual" "yeah, I'm still talking with my ex, it's not a big deal". You're not the first guy I'm hearing these things from. And I know we've past that phase, but I'm still wondering sometimes, how come after 6 months, you still wouldn't acknowledge me as your girlfriend. How come I've never met any of your friends? How come you never ask me to tag along when you go out? These things I don't say but why I'm still not sure you're sure about me and that opens up the chance that you'll either "cheat" on me or leave me. I don’t wanna show it, because I think it makes me look weak, but it's there.”

Then I apologised for the way I acted and promised it’s not gonna happen again. We made up.

I don’t have to say since this incident I hear him referring to me as his girlfriend more and more. Plus I mean, he just took me to a trip to France with him and his parents! It’s a big step. This must be it then. We’re together. Oh man! I have a boyfriend??!! I never had a boyfriend before. Even to say the words “my boyfriend” feels so weird. My boyfriend. My boyfriend. My boyfriend. Hey guys, this is my boyfriend, Swimmers. I was hanging with my boyfriend this weekend. Hahahaha….Fuckkkk!!!! Swimmers is my boyfriend!! Whaaaaat??? Now if a guy walks up to me on the street or in a club I can go “sorry, I’ve got a boyfriend”. Finally! 😛

Two days after our little fall out, we went to a carnival that a few of his friends also attended so we met them up and hang out a little. He was way more affectionate with me than expected. Holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me. I felt so loved. It was lovely.

Talking about his friends. Swimmers has a number of people from Uni (university in English English 😁) he keeps in touch with and he likes to talk about them quite a lot. He shows me pictures and videos, tells me stories about them. I pretty much know them, even if I haven’t met most of them yet. I didn’t know how much they know about me. They’re scattered around the country but every now and then they organise house parties and go to festivals and raves together.

They did a big house party for a few days just before Swimmers and I were about to go to France, so Swimmers only got to go for one night. He had to come back the next morning to come to the airport. While we’re in France I see some of them starting to follow my Instagram page. (The sylvia.create one). I ask Swimmers. How did they find me? He tells me that while he was at the party, one of the girls (who I met at the carnival) found me on Instagram and she was asking about me. He told her that I’m a blogger and I write about my experiences. He also told her that I wrote about the night I met him.

I check my analytics and I see a lot of views and reads from the town where that party took place. They’re all reading my blogs now! OHH MY FUCKING GOD! I wrote very intimate stuff in those blogs. Like what was it like to have sex with Swimmers for the first time, and let me tell you, I didn’t leave much up to the imagination. This is what I didn’t think about. That people who know who Swimmers is will be reading my blogs. In fact, they probably know him more than I do. He shows me that they changed his name in their group-chat to Swimmers…Fuck! There’s a reason I’m using a fake name for him. I know I post stories about him every now and then, but I try to hide his identity. I’m writing blogs because hiring a therapist is expensive 😅, but I didn’t want him to be affected by what I’m doing here.

I mean I don’t know most of these people personally, or what they’re like, I just hope they’re not gonna give him a hard time because of me. I also share very intimate information about me and I hope they’re not gonna use it against me when they meet me in person. (If they’ll ever meet me). Either way, if that ever happens, at least I don’t have to introduce myself. 😅 They probably know me better than I know myself now.

I know it’s crazy that anybody can just go online and read my journal. I freaks me out when I think about it. But sometimes the things that scare you the most will make you grow the most. I don’t have bad intentions with this. As far as I know my conscientious is clear. I’m not here to hurt anybody. I’m here to process my own thoughts and feelings. The reason why I’m sharing these blogs is because maybe someone out there can relate to the things I’m writing about and gives them some comfort. I don’t know. All I know is that as long as I follow my heart, everything’s gonna be ok.

 
Szilvia Szekely