Scared to fail
Here's a quick recap for those who are just joining in now;
I met a guy on a random night out whom I call Swimmers. - link to blog
We hooked up that night - link to blog
We started seeing each other, but he asked to keep things casual. - link to blog
Emotionally I've been struggling with the casual situation. - link to blog
After 4 months us dating he finally asked us to be exclusive but a few weeks later I found out he's still active on dating apps. I felt betrayed and that I'm not gonna be able get passed by this and our situationship has come to its inevitable end. - link to blog
It’s time to give you a little update since I’ve been quite inactive in the past few weeks. I’ve been feeling really bad about that but I’m gonna get to it shortly. Before I do, I wanted to quickly share some news on the Swimmers situation since the last blog.
We fought through an entire week after that particular incident. At some point I almost threw in the towel but he said he wants us to keep going, and to be honest I didn't really wanna end things either. I just didn't see how I could keep going like this, so we just kept on fighting. By the end of the week, he was the one that said “I can’t do this anymore” and then I freaked out and asked him to stay. Long story short, eventually we came to terms and made up. He deleted the apps and we’re still together.
Things are going pretty good now. In fact they’ve never been better. Remember all those obstacles I mentioned in the previous blog? - Probably not, but hey - they all seem to be gone. The ex is out of the picture. He’s mentioning it more and more often that he's thinking in long term with me. He talks to me every day, pretty much all day. He's initiating us to hang out more often, and guess what! He just invited me to go on a trip with him and his family to France! OOOOH MY GOD!!! I'm so excited!!
It's funny how France became such a sour spot when he went to visit his ex at the beginning of our “relationship”, but now I feel so dearly about it.
Sometimes I play with the idea that he might be starting to fall in love with me. I can't know for sure, because he doesn't like to reveal his feelings to me too much, but he's being really sweet to me and actions speak louder than words.
So yeah, things are going really good with Swimmers right now, and that makes me very happy. Now on the other hand there's something that's starting to weigh on my chest and that's the real reason why I'm here…because you know I seem to come to my blogs when something bugs me. My blog is my therapist, and the reason why I’m writing this one is because I haven’t written one in a long time.
I’ve fallen back with my personal projects, a lot. I don’t post regularly anymore, and I know I’m busy with Swimmers, but it’s not an excuse. It shouldn’t be. It’s not like we’re together every single day. Many times I come home after work I could be writing a blog, editing a video or picture but I’m not. I’m just laying on bed scrolling through my feed on Instagram or binge watch videos on YouTube and slowly but surely my dreams and aspirations fade away. I’m starting to be lazy, and that’s not good. Especially now! It’s time to promote the website and start selling my merch and paintings and take SylviaCreate to the next level, however I’m stagnating.
I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter, noone cares, it doesn’t affect anybody but it’s not true! It affects me! How am I ever gonna find out how far I can go if I refuse to move forward. If I keep allowing myself to get distracted and I stop putting the work in. I’ve had phases in the past when I fell back, but never this much. Where did my motivation go? Why am I not excited about my work anymore? What am I afraid of?
I’ll be real. I set the bar high. I had very high hopes and I just reached the point where I should start seeing results and to be honest, I’m scared. What if nothing I set out will come true? What if I can’t handle the administration that comes with an active company? What if I can’t make any sells? What if noone cares? Or worse, people will think I’m a joke!
I don’t wanna face it, but I might be not as strong as I thought I was. Even now, I’m only making an effort to get to the end of this blog because I told Swimmers I’m starting to get really frustrated with my attitude towards my work and he said he won’t see me until I finish this blog. I think he still would see me, but I promised him I’d finish it, and I’m a bit OCD with the things I said I would do. Once the words left my mouth it must be done. A part of me absolutely loathes excuses. If I said I’d do it, it will be done, no matter what!
And it’s funny, because I promised myself, I’ll do everything I can to break out of the “company world”, yet here I am. However, I still feel the same way, I don’t want to be in a situation Where someone else tells me how many days I have off to actually live my life. Where there’s a limit to how much I can make. Where I’m told how to use my creative skillset. The list could go on but I think I made my point.
- BREAKING NEWS -
Swimmers just texted me asking about the blog and he told me if I don’t finish it, he’ll cancel our plans this weekend. Oh dear Jesus! I guess I was wrong. He’s keeping his word, which I love and hate at the same time. I would hate if he cancelled on me, but I’m glad he’s being a partner and pushes me to do better.
Now back to our regular programming. I really wanna finish this blog because I’m not cancelling my plans this weekend. So where was I? Oh yeah, working for a company. I mean it’s just silly to me to work on someone else’s dream when I have my own, you know?
So what’s my dream again?
I just wanna be free. Financially and creatively really. I want to have more control over my own life. Am I asking too much? If I have a story in my head I wanna be able to put it onto a screen regardless how much it costs or how long it takes. If I feel like taking a vacation somewhere, anywhere, I wanna be able just to go and do it. In fact I wanna be able to work from wherever I want. I’m a creative person and I’ve got skills. Producing content and designing products is what gets me going. It’s who I am. I should be able to find a way to make money out of who I am.
I was talking to Swimmers earlier today and we were talking about doing daring things like skydiving. I told him I used to wanna go skydiving but since I had my panic attack, I’m not as brave as I once was. Then we talked about fears and he said; “My philosophy is don’t worry about things you can’t control. Worry doesn’t make it more or less likely to happen, but it’ll make you less happy.”
I thought that statement was very wise and true. Sometimes I tend to dwell upon my own fears but that holds me back from doing and experiencing things. Things that would make me truly alive and happy. If taking SylviaCreate to the next level is what would make me happy, I can’t allow my fear of failure to discourage me. I might not have control over everything but I always have the opportunity to educate myself, to widen my skillset, to test and fail and learn, then try again and again and again until I’m fast, strong and smart enough to succeed. So maybe I’m the one in control after-all and there’s nothing to be afraid of.