I think it's a wrap
It’s 3:50am right now and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t sleep. I’ve been tossing and turning for hours now and even if I manage to doze off I keep waking up every other hour and my mind just doesn’t wanna turn off, so I figured I might as well just come over here to sort my thoughts out. Maybe writing out what’s causing me such a bad insomnia will put my mind at ease (for now).
I think Swimmers and I are over. After 4,5 months I believe we reached the end of our story, officially. We’ve had our ups and downs before, but I feel like this time, it’s serious. It’s obviously really hard on me, because I really liked the guy and truly hoped that we could work out, but I’m finally ready to take my rose coloured glasses off.
After a breakup I usually feel really angry, betrayed and I wish I never met the guy, but with Swimmers it’s different. I’m not angry with him. He told me right off the bat he’s not what I’m looking for, yet I choose to be with him, so I know the only person I can blame is me. It was silly to keep the hope alive inside, because now it sucks so bad to be heartbroken again. Despite the pain I'm glad I made some really nice memories with him and I’m gutted to know that I can’t make any more ones in the future, but this situationship is just not healthy or even fun for either of us anymore.
Let me catch you up, because I know I’ve been really bad at keeping you updated. I see you guys checking the homepage (assuming you’re looking for update, but I’m just not delivering it - I’m sorry). But I’m here now, so this is what happened in the past few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago, Swimmers said it out that we’re exclusive. I was over the moon, couldn’t been happier. I was like:
- yeah! maybe he’s the one after all. Maybe it’ll all work out this time and we’ll live happily ever after.
Things were going great between us. I started to let down my guards and let go of my anxiety. I was ready to fully devote myself to him. However I noticed since we started dating it’s been such an emotional roller coaster for me, it was never a smooth sailing. He’s been constantly throwing obstacles at me that I have to overcome, but because I/we always did, I figured maybe it’s just the hardship of the beginning, and I just need to be patient and at the end of it all I’ll get the price; a partner in crime, a soulmate. Swimmers.
But let’s have a quick look at these obstacles to summarise up what has led us to our current situation:
Obstacle #1: The Ex.
When we started seeing each other, he was still talking to his ex way too much. One weekend he went off to France to hang out with her. It was so upsetting to me, it absolutely crashed me but tried to keep my frustration to myself as much as I could. (Yes, I blew up on him once he got back from France, but after that fight, I never brought the ex topic up again.) Eventually they got in a fight and finally called it quits for good, so the ex got out of the picture. Great! Problem solved! Let’s move on.
Obstacle #2: Bad communication.
I was developing feelings for Swimmers very quickly and intensely and before I knew he was the center of my universe. My issue was that I didn’t feel like he felt the same way about me. He would not reply to my texts for hours and hours sometimes over a day (or days), and it was just super frustrating to me. I was thinking:
- how’s he so busy that he can’t find 2 seconds to text me at least a “I’m busy today, I’ll get back to you later” or something. How big of an effort is it to do that for someone you’re seeing and “care about”?
My only conclusion was that he wasn’t interested in me as much as I thought he was or as I would have liked him to be, so went off to hang out with another guy. I wrote about the date in one of my blogs and he got really upset when he read about it, so after that incident he really got his shit together and his communication got a lot better.
Great! Problem solved! Let’s move on.
Obstacle #3: No definition.
When this started to really bug me, we were already seeing each other for about 3 months. I was feeling really strongly about him, but I was very scared of my emotions, because he was just not willing to say out that we’re exclusive. I was terrified to think out that he’s talking or might be seeing other girls. He kept insisting that I’m the only one, but I just didn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to say that he’s committed to me then. I wouldn’t have accused him of lying, but I figured if in the future he meets an attractive girl at party or somewhere, he might hook up with her, and I knew that would have absolutely destroyed me. Him not willing to define our relationship was putting me emotionally in a very insecure place which I expressed to him every now and then, and eventually he gave in. As I mentioned before about 3 weeks ago, he said it out that we’re exclusive.
Great! Problem solved! Let’s move on.
Obstacle #4: No time to see me.
This was fairly new problem for me. I mean we had 2-3 weeks going by without seeing each other before, but lately it started to really frustrate me. Any time I saw him, when we were about to say goodbye to each other he wouldn’t give me any timeframe to work with. No future plans whatsoever to look forward to. He would just causally tell me that next week he’s busy. It never, not even one time occurred to him that perhaps we could be busy together. Maybe he could involve me in his social life. I asked him to come out with my friends multiple times, but he was always busy, so I just went without him.
When we started seeing each other at the beginning, if he was busy over the weekend he would make time for me during the week, but lately he stopped doing that too. It was either the weekend or never, but every other weekend he was out with friends and that meant I wouldn’t see him for at least 2 weeks. I missed him, I had the desire to see him more, but I felt like once every 2 weeks was enough for him. It hurt, and when I finally voiced my issue his attitude was pretty much like, “It is what it is. I told you I don’t want a serious relationship, if you don’t like it, you can go away”. Ahhh…he doesn’t see where I’m coming from and he’s just not willing sympathise with me.
Anyway, in the past few days I started to see some improvement in this department as well and he started to make some efforts to see me more. Last week he came over during the week and made some plans with me over the weekend as well.
Great! Problem solved? Almost.
And here we are. It’s 5:15am right now, I’m about to finish the story and perhaps wrap our relationship up.
One thing led to another and now I feel like we’re both very much at the edge of our patience.
It started last week on Friday. We sent some morning texts to each other and I was the last one to message him. I texted him at 9:07am asking if he was up to anything that afternoon/weekend. No response. Hours go by, nothing. I saw he read it. Nothing. I’m like;
- It’s fine. He’s probably just busy at work. He’ll get back to me once he got home.
But it’s the late afternoon and still nothing.
- Okay, maybe before he goes to bed, he’ll tell me about his day.
It’s really late and still nothing. Now I’m starting to get upset.
- He knows exactly how much I hate when he does this. Then why is he doing it again?
Next morning just about 24 hours later, he texts me, completely ignoring my question or the fact that he disappeared on me. He’s asking if I’ve got any plans this weekend and if I’m up to doing something with him. I’m evaluating and deciding for a few minutes if I should voice my frustration or just leave it and move the conversation forward. I decided to move on, so I don’t say anything just reply: “sure, what were you thinking about?”. Hours and hours go by, and again and no reaction whatsoever. I’m like “what the fuck?”. He’s been so good at getting back to me in the past few months now, I almost forgot what he was like before. I hate it.
My mind starts wondering, trying to explain his unusual behaviour. Obviously it’s going to the worst place possible, because if that’s the case, I don’t wanna feel like “I would have never seen this coming! How am I so naive?”, so I’m thinking to myself.
- He probably made plans with a girl so instead of having to have to lie to me about it, he just decided not to respond. He probably spent the night over at her place, woke up in the morning, and texted me to give me a sign that he’s around, but again, completely ignoring my question regarding what he’s been up to or the fact that he didn’t message me at all the day before. I get back to him, but because he’s with her now he doesn’t reply to me. After he got home, I finally crossed his mind and he might have felt a bit guilty for what he’s done, so in the late afternoon out of the blue he calls me and books me in for a wakeboarding experience with him for the next day, because deep down he knows I’m upset with him. During our call I casually ask him what he’s been up to in the past few hours and why he hasn’t got back to me until now, but he’s saying stuff like “oh my phone died, and I just didn’t feel like charging it” or something like that. I’m like “what??? what a weird excuse”. My guts were screaming at me that he’s up to no good. I have a really bad feeling about this.
Anyway after our chat on the phone. I’m kinda excited to see him the next day, and I keep telling myself that it’s just all in my head. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. We’re good, we’re good, let’s move on. But obviously I wasn’t very good at hiding my feelings because before I go to bed, he asks if I’m okay, he feels like I’m a bit off. I wanna brush it off so I say; “yes, I must be just tired and moody because I’ll get my period soon.” Then I ask the same question from him but he doesn’t reply. Hmmm…these unanswered questions. They’re making me feel really uncomfortable inside.
Next day, I meet him up and he brings up the fact that he can tell that I’m upset. So I’m like okay, if he wants to go there, I’ll go there. I tell him how I’ve been feeling and also share my theories on what he’s been up to. He gets really tense and says:
“you’re crazy. Yeah, I’ve been on three dates.”
I find it quite unsympathetic the way he responds. And again I get very suspicious that instead of trying to calm me down or tell me where he’s been, instead he calls me crazy and keeps pushing my buttons.
We went to have lunch and while we’re eating he keeps talking about how he wants multiple wives. In his defence, he was just probably trying to wind me up to get a reaction out of me, but given my emotional status in that moment, I wasn’t really having it. I’m really done talking about this, and I want nothing more than to move on with my thoughts.
We get in the car and we make our way to the lake where we can paddle-board and wakeboard. We’re having a great time. He’s being a nice company and I’m just enjoying myself. It’s our turn to wakeboard and I go first. I see him recording a video of me and after 15min my time was up. It was his turn. He gets in the water and I’m looking for my phone to record him as well, but I realise I left my phone in my bag. I notice his phone is on my flip flop under my seat so I grab it to record a video of him as well. - I think you see where I’m going with this. - As soon as I press the button I see a notification of a message sent by a girl from a dating app. My heart just dropped. I’m so confused and sad at the same time. I can’t even look at him. I’m shaking. He gets out of the water and I decided to not make a scene in front of everyone so I just inform him that I’m going to take a shower. I’m balling my eyes out in that shower.
”why? why is he on dating apps after we said that we’re exclusive?”
“who is he talking to? and why?”
“why am I not good enough?”
”why would he do this to me?”
”how dare he make me feel stupid for assuming he’s going on dates, when he’s talking to girls on fucking dating apps? If anything, I feel stupid for trusting him.”
”why? why? why?”
I can’t stop the tears falling from my eyes. I’m getting more and more upset. I feel really hurt. Finally, I make my way out of the shower, I go outside and I see him sitting on a bench. I walk up to him and he asks if I’m okay.
“No, I’m not!” - I answer.
I tell him what I had happened, and his face goes rock solid. He says:
“It’s not a big deal. I’m not talking to them. I’m just swiping when I’m bored.”
Oh I don’t even know where to begin why I’m so not cool with this. I would never dream of doing anything that might jeopardise his trust in me after giving us the “exclusive” status. To me a promise is a promise and that’s written in stone. I have no idea why he thinks I’d be fine with him checking chicks out on Tinder and Bumble and who knows what else he’s using or doing.
Anyway, it’s 6:20am now. I’m gonna be so tired today and I have to start to get ready for work soon.
Long story short. He acts like this is totally okay, and he’s doing the same thing. Making me feel crazy for making a big deal out of it. No sign of remorse or solution whatsoever. He’s just trying to mask the problem by tickling me and being all playful in the name of “cheering me up”. Might have worked in the moment, but as soon as I got home. I’m thinking “why is he not apologetic about it? why does he not feel bad for hurting me? why did he not offer to delete the apps.” That’s what I would have done if I were in his position. We just faked a smile and “moved on”.
Well, I didn’t move on and I brought the problem up again yesterday and he’s insisting to have the apps on his phone. He also got upset with me for getting upset. He said in the car the day before “you’re always upset”. I responded; “well then stop doing stuff that you know will upset me!”
He said we’re still not in a committed relationship and being exclusive and a committed relationship are two different things. He told me that if I want a boyfriend I’m not gonna find it here, so at this point I just feel like I’m beating a dead horse. We were destined to end from the moment he told me “I’m not looking for a relationship” because that’s what I’ve been looking for. We have completely different intensions towards each other therefore no matter how much we like each other we’re never gonna make each other happy. I’m gonna keep getting upset over his actions - or lack of actions - and he’s gonna keep getting annoyed with me. I want someone who takes me seriously, puts me first and wants to show me off the world. Someone who takes me by the hand and proudly says "this is my girl". Someone I can trust and start building something meaningful with. Someone whose care and attention I don’t have to constantly fight for, because I know I deserve being loved. Maybe one day, but I know Swimmers is not going to be that someone for me. No matter how much I want him, if he doesn't want me the same way there's nothing I can do about it. He needs someone who he can some fun with without any strings attached. Someone who doesn’t care what he’s up to. We’re on two completely different pages of our lives.
It makes me really sad though, because I genuinely liked Swimmers. I adored him from the bottom of my heart since the day I met him. I think he’s a fun and smart guy, but it’s finally clear to me that we’re just wasting each other’s time. From this point on, the longer we wait the worse it’s gonna get and we're probably just gonna end up hating each other. Perhaps it’s better to rip the band aid off and leave on good terms now while we still can….
I know it’s bad but I have to admit there’s a part of me that feels so alone and lonely without him. A part that’s still holding onto a tiny bit of hope that we can work this out, but I know it’s nothing but wishful thinking. I'm gonna miss him like crazy for a while and my heart breaks to say this, but I think it’s a wrap and the story of Swimmers ends here. 😔