I thought about it

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Here we go. I’m finally taking the time to sit down a write another blog. I have a confession to make guys. In the last few months, I’ve completely lost focus. My head is in the clouds right now and I have zero discipline to work on my own stuff. Although it’s obviously bothering me (otherwise I wouldn’t be mentioning it) I try not to stress too much about it. SylviaCreate supposed to be a source of fun for me, therefore if my mind is not there, then it’s not there. I’m not gonna force it. I’m starting to figure myself out, and I know I have phases in life. I know eventually I’ll get back to it. It’s inevitable, because it’s part of who I am and here I am. Writing, so let’s get into it, shall we?

So for this blog I wanted to talk more about the previous topic/blog in which I was trying to come to the conclusion of what love really is. Who knows what love is? I feel like the English language has its fault by squeezing many-many feelings into one word. I heard in some languages there are a lot more words to describe this feeling we call “love”. For example people that speak Greek make a difference amongst 8 types of love.

  1. “Eros” = Erotic Love

  2. “Philia” = Affectionate Love

  3. “Storge” = Familiar Love

  4. “Ludus” = Playful Love

  5. “Mania” = Obsessive Love

  6. “Pragma” = Enduring Love

  7. “Philautia” = Self Love

  8. “Agape” = Selfless Love

(If you’re interested in reading more about the different types of love, click here)

I’ve been seeing Swimmers for just about 3 months now and we already had a fair share of ups and downs for sure. I’m trying to find the right way to handle this ‘we’re together but not really’ situation. Some days I can handle it well, other days, not so much.

So in the last blog I’m really holding onto the idea of unconditional love. I keep talking about how it’s the purest form of love and that’s how people should feel about each other, but if I was honest with myself, I would know that this thought-process was nothing but another attempt for self-defence, because if I say “I’ll love Swimmers, regardless whatever he does to me” I can hold onto to the idea that his actions (or lack of actions) won’t have an effect on my well-being whatsoever.

- But come on, Sylvia. Deep down you know it’s not true. It never has and it never will be.

Of course I knew it! After finishing a blog, I usually feel a very happy and satisfying feeling, but last time I didn't. Something just wasn't 100% right, so I brought the topic up to some of my friends. I told them, I find romantic love the most selfish kind of love. I only love you IF! you love me back. Isn't it supposed to be the purest form of love? 'I love you no matter what' kind of love? And they all had the same reaction; "No! Not at all. It's normal to have conditions towards your partner. You should only feel that type of love towards your child. That's what makes that connection so special."

My friends are so wise. I'm so lucky to have them. I love bringing discussions up with people, because by listening to their point of view broadens my own perception of the world.

I've conceptualised and been holding onto this idea, that romantic love is supposed to be unconditional. I thought about it and now I know it’s only because I’ve been hurt by it, so I’m inventing theories to protect my feelings. But it’s time to snap out of it. My friends were right. Relationships shouldn't be unconditional.

I’m not saying if your boyfriend/girlfriend left the dirty dishes in the sink you should immediately throw in the towel, but if you're constantly getting cheated on, neglected, manipulated or abused, then you have to take a minute to ask yourself “is this what I deserve?” “is this all I worth?”. It’s a rhetorical question of course. The answer is ‘absolutely not!’ You are worthy of love. You deserve to be treated with respect.

As much as it might sound like I'm telling you - the reader - what to do, I'm not. I'm talking to myself. I'm not trying to convince anybody how to live their lives. I'm simply trying to grow by walking myself through these thoughts. Don't get me wrong. I do think you deserve nothing but love and respect as well, but if you're in a toxic relationship of any kind and you don't feel the need to get out of it, there's nothing I can tell you to change your mind. Nobody can save you, and nobody can save me. Everybody has to save themselves. That's why I'm not gonna waste my time on people that are toxic. As much as I think I can or I should save them, I can't. They have to feel the need for change themselves. If there's someone who's constantly bringing my spirit down, I will not be wasting a second to stick around that person. I want people in my life who are respectful, supportive, kind and considerate. These are my conditions, if you want my love. Whether as a friend or a lover, only because you can expect the same from me.

Unconditional love I'm sure is a magical feeling. Beyond this world type of experience but it's a gift of parenthood, and I should not be challenging nature. Just because I haven't felt it, it doesn't mean I'm never going to. It might be just a thing that still awaits.

Now back to Swimmers. He's been really good to me lately. At least for what we have. We're still not officially a couple, but he's very much present. He texts, calls and wants to hang out as often as he can. I really have nothing to complain about. He likes to go out and do stuff, which makes the time we spend together fun and memorable. I feel really close to him right now and I hope he feels the same way about me.

Some girls say that it’s not fair that he doesn’t want to commit and they wouldn’t let him to do this to them, and I shouldn’t either. Remember what I said 3 paragraphs earlier? “Nobody can save you, and nobody can save me. Everybody has to save themselves.” If I don’t feel the need to get out of this situation, no matter who tells me what, I just won’t.

I know Swimmers has unsaid expectations from me since he read the last blog and found out that I went out with the volleyball guy. Let’s just say he was not having it. He got pretty upset, which honestly surprised me since he was the one that wanted to keep things casual. He said he thought we were exclusive, but we’re not and we never were. In fact I was the one asking to be exclusive but he just ditched the topic. So now I’m a bit confused of where the line is. What we can and can’t do. I think in his head he was thinking that I’ll be waiting for him while he’s living his best single life until he decides otherwise. But as once Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

I’ve been waiting for guys that were “not looking for a relationship” to change their mind in my entire life, and I kept thinking things will be different every single time. They never were. It always ended in tears and heartache. Now I don’t wanna end things with Swimmers because I really do love spending time with him. He makes me happy, but here I am again, in the same situation, expecting a different result. If anything I can do differently this time, is that I’m not sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. Or so I thought. He says that incident hurt him, because I’m the only one for him and it might be true for the present moment, but the questions is; if he met an attractive girl at a party who's also attracted to him, would he turn her down just because he's talking to me? I don't think so.

Now just because we don't have a label on it, the feelings are still obviously there. If I found out that he kissed or put his baby maker into another girl, it would hurt like hell, so I understand why it was painful for him to read about volleyball guy, but this potential pain is what I'm trying to protect myself from by reminding myself that he's not boyfriend and he's not the only one on this planet. If I let myself believe that he would and will change his mind for me, I would be in the same exact position that I've always been and I know exactly how that's going to end. This time it will be different. It has to be different.

And to be honest, I'm starting to like this situation too. I've been holding onto the idea of us being a couple, but just because two people are in a "relationship", it doesn't necessarily mean that they are loyal, happy or together forever either. I see my girlfriends that are in relationships constantly worrying about their boyfriends cheating or breaking up with them. That's just how it is when someone has your heart. You're not in full control anymore. If you're dating, you're worried they leave you. If you're in a relationship you're worried they break up. If you're married you're worried they want a divorce. The label might be different, but the worry is the same. You're scared that's it's not going to work out and that you're gonna be left behind. That's why I don't see the point of pushing things with Swimmers anymore. I realised it's not about the label but how we make each other feel. It's not the status that will make me happy, but the way we treat each other every single day.

So for now I'm just enjoying the benefits of having somebody to talk and be with but with no strings attached. Without the obligations and responsibilities. It's like you get the best of both worlds. Only the fun part of the "relationship". I can see why Swimmers is insisting to his single status so much, that's why I have no intentions to change it. And let's face it. Even me, I just wanted what I couldn't have. In reality I like being single too. I've always been dealing with everything in my own way. That's what I know best. I know both Swimmers and I have feelings for each other, but for now we’re just enjoying each other's company and wait and see how the future will unfold itself.

Szilvia Szekely