Wish it was that easy

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In the last 3 blogs called "Hey you”, “I can’t help it” and “What’s done is done” I shared the experience of meeting a guy - I call Swimmers. I’ve been wanting to give you guys some updates on the story for ages, but these past few weeks have been such an emotional rollercoaster that I’ve rewritten this blog probably 10 times already. I can never finish it because by the time I get to end of it, I feel completely differently about it. I’m really hoping I can manage to get to the end of this one, so I better hurry the fuck up before something happens that changes my mind again.

Oh God! I don’t even know where to begin! That night happened almost 6 weeks ago. Although when I first met Swimmers, I thought he was an asshole, he turned out to be a fucking moron. Just kidding! 😁 He’s actually a really sweet guy. He's funny, caring and good to talk to. Since our naughty night out, Swimmers and I have been in touch. We’ve been talking every day and we also hang out as often as we can. He’s been a great company and I grew to really like him, and what I mean by it is that probably after a week seeing him, I was head over heals for him. Obviously. 😏 But! At least he seems to like me too! 👍

I wish I could say, that’s the end of the story. I met this guy, I liked him, he liked me, we hit it off, we got together and we lived happily ever after! I wish I lived in a world where things were so simple, but I'm not a princess in a Disney movie now, am I?

About two weeks in, us talking I went on his Instagram. No particular reason, I was just missing him and wanted look at pictures of him. As I was scrolling through his album, I noticed a girl reappearing on his page. She was tagged on the photos so I checked her out and I stumbled upon pictures of the two of them with captions like “You’ve been making me happy over a year” etc, so it didn’t take much to figure out that they were in a relationship. I saw the last photo she posted was from 6 days ago, and Swimmers both liked and commented on it. - Let me remind you, we’ve been talking for at least two weeks at this point, but his recent interaction means there’s still something going on between them. So why is he talking to me then??

First I freaked out because I thought he was cheating on someone with me but then I figured I just tell him about my findings and I let him explain the situation. Basically he told me that they’re not together anymore because she moved out of the country and long distance doesn’t work for him, but they’re still "really close”. They're like “best friends”.

- Oh God! Here we fucking go! Why can’t things just be simple??

He asked me if this puts me off, and I made a horrible mistake by saying no. I guess I just felt like I’m still such a new person in his life that I don’t have the right the ask him to break it off with someone he’s got so much history with. I was also scared if I make him choose between me and her, he’d leave me, but deep inside it bothered me. Very much.

We had a little chat after, and he informed me that he's not looking for a relationship right now. - Fantastic! - I said “good to know” to which he replied “but you never know”.

“I’m not looking for a relationship, but you never now.” - Words that are gonna be carved into my tombstone. 😏

Guys always fucking do this by the way. They’re like “I don’t wanna be with you, but don’t walk away either!” They wanna eat the cake and have it too! I’m so sick of it, yet I’m never strong enough to walk away, even-though I know that’s what I should do.

Anyway… Besides the “ex”girlfriend still being in the picture, things were going pretty well between us and I figured as long as he treats me well, I’m not gonna hold it against him. She's far away, so she didn't feel like a big threat back then. However anytime he was hanging with me, I saw her name popping up on the screen of his phone, literally every 5 minutes. So they still talk every day. All day. Fine. I’m not gonna make a deal out it.

One night, when we were out together, he posted a story on his Instagram of me playing mini golf, along with a few other moments of the night. I was really happy he posted about me, because I thought he started to low key introduce me to his world but a few hours later I saw he kept all moments but the one that included me. Hmmm….it did hurt a bit that he would delete me, but I figured probably the ex-girl freaked out so he took it off. Fine. I’m not gonna bring it up.

But last week eventually, a huge shit hit the fan. He came over to my place on a Tuesday night. He told me he’s not gonna be available to hang that weekend. I didn’t ask why because I felt something in his voice that I was too scared to face, but I could feel that something was up. Few days later we’re texting talking about the weekend and he says he’s looking forward to going away with family.

-  Phew! It was all in my head, there’s nothing to worry about.

Then I ask where they’re going, and he says “I’m going to south of France and just giving you heads up, I’m probably going to see my ex while I’m there”.

- OH…MY…FUCKING…GOD!!! How am I supposed to respond to this?? What does he expect me to say?

“Okay, have fun!” ?? or “Good for you! Hope you have a lovely weekend with your ex girlfriend!” ?? or “Enjoy, just make sure you kids use protection!” ??

So, then I ask if he’s going to hang with family or specifically to see his ex, to which he replies: “I’ll see her while I’m there”

He’s totally going just to see her, but at this point I was too scared to ask any more questions. I was too much of a coward to face the truth, but my heart sank right into my stomach. I just knew this probably meant the end of us. There’s noway I’m gonna be able to pretend like I’m cool with this, and I know he’s not gonna be cool with me not being cool with it. I mean texting her all day, every day? Fine. Deleting me from social media? Fine. But now going all the way to France to be with her? I can’t do this. I just can't!!

I’m saying I can’t do this, but then why can’t I let him go either? Because I have no self-respect, I’m desperate, and the thought of missing him, breaks me into tiny little pathetic pieces. So all weekend I’m out drinking with my friends, trying not to picture him holding his “ex”girlfriend, with not much luck. I was in agony.

He got back from France few days ago, but while he was away, my brain went wild, and eventually it got to the conclusion that he's been just fooling me about this “my ex is my best friend” story and they've been together this whole time. But I figured before I start accusing him of anything, I talk to him about it, so I asked him to call me, but he just kept ignoring me and that pushed me to my breaking point.

At this point I just wanted it to be over. I wanted this whole thing to be over, even if that meant we're ending it there and then. I sent him a really long message telling him that I know they're still together, and that he's been lying to me this whole time. He’s just using me to get through the long distance thing. He’s such a player and a horrible human being. Blah blah blah. This was the point. I also said goodbye because I figured there’s just no way we can recover after this.

He was obviously not having it. He told me they're not together, but he also admitted they're still more than friends. - 😏- They made the conscious decision to sleep with other people because it's unreasonable to ask someone to hold off for months. (Is it? Really?) The only reason he's not with her is because she lives in a different country, (That was hard to hear) but that does not change the fact that he enjoyed spending time with me.

I immediately felt bad for flipping out so bad, but I didn't know how to communicate that I was in pain. Now she feels such a threat. He might tell me any moment that "Hey, I'm getting back with my girlfriend. It's been fun kiddo. Thanks for your service! Bye!" or something like that. 

He says I'm always worried and thinking about the worst. But he’s giving me reasons for God’s sake! He can know anything about me. He gave him access to my blogs, which literally makes me an open book to him. He knows exactly how I feel about him, but I feel like I’m being kept in the dark. If I don’t confront him with the girlfriend thing, he would have never told me. Who knows what else he might be holding back. It’s easy for him. He knows he’s the number one for me but I don’t know where I am in his heart. He says I really have to let it go and just enjoy it for what it is. No labels needed. I wish it was that easy.

The truth to be told, I wasn’t always like this. I’ve been picked up and put down many times before I turned into this paranoid psycho. I’m so scared of developing feelings for guys because they always end up leaving. They walk into my life, make me feel special but then there’s always another option. There’s always another girl and then they just toss me to the side eventually. I never feel good enough. So now, as soon as I start seeing someone, I feel very vulnerable, start to panic and that’s why my emotions get way out of control. And Swimmers is not helping the situation either with the “I’m not looking for a relationship, but you never know” speech. It’s the first thing that pushes my alert button. I mean, unless you are involved with other women why would you even mention it? I heard it so many times before, and now this whole "ex"girlfriend situation is making things really difficult for me. I’m so terrified of losing him, that I end up pushing him away. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

I really have to find a way to loosen up. Why do I care? Why does it matter if he leaves or stays? Because this feeling of uncertainty is the root of my anxiety. I just need to find that place in my heart where even if things don’t work out between us, I’ll be ok.

The problem is that from the moment we met he’s become my main source of joy. Nothing makes me as happy as seeing his name popping up on my screen, hearing his voice over the phone, seeing him park on my drive and holding him in my arms. No wonder why even the thought of losing him, scares the pants off of me. That’s why I have to stop orbiting around him and start restoring the balance in my universe. It’s okay to feel good about those things but they can’t be the only reason why I’m happy. I must find just as much joy in other moments of life as I find in interacting with Swimmers. Like talking to my family, working on my projects, spending time with my friends etc. I feel like as soon as I can find the balance again, my love life will fall into place too. (So much easier to be said than done, I know!)

Despite all the shit that went down, Swimmers and I are still talking. His weekend with the ex for me, and my mental breakdown for him, shook the both of us, but now I’m trying to look at it as a good wake up call. If he doesn’t wanna be exclusive, that’s fine.

It took a long time, but it’s finally starting to dawn on me that just because I'm talking to him, the rest of the world doesn't stop existing. If he’s free, then so am I! It's great! I can eat the cake and have it too as well! Now I know he doesn’t like the idea of me being with other lads either, because he gets all tensed up when I bring it up, so I’m not gonna start fucking around just to prove my point, or to deliberately hurt him. All I’m saying is that I’m single and I shouldn't forget that.

After all this rant, I feel like I should try to put myself in their shoes a little bit too. I don’t think he doesn’t want to be exclusive because he wants to fuck around. I think it’s more about the fact that he’s not ready cut the cords with this girl yet. I’m sure he loves her still and I can’t hold that against him, just because he’s been seeing me for a few weeks. I'm sure it’s not easy to talk about his feelings for her with me, because he might feel that it will make me walk away, and if that’s true then it shows that he started developing feelings for me too. I don’t know. I’m just assuming. And if this girl still has feelings for him, imagine what a threat I would feel to her, if she knew about me. I’m here in the same physical space with the boy that she’s been loving for quite some time, but now he’s talking to me, hanging with me and having sex with me. She’s far away and there’s nothing she can do about it. It’s a complicated situation for all of us. It’s a shame but eventually something’s gonna happen and whatever happens, happens.

I just need to keep working on myself and putting my focus back on the things that are under my control; like my career, my art, my projects, and to treat the people that are in my life with love and kindness. 🙂


Here’s a song for this blog, coz why not?

 
 
Szilvia Szekely