Bois…

bois.jpg

I have some news to share on my love life too. I met some amazing guys in the past few months, but one of them has completely got me under his spell. But let's not jump so ahead. 

The story begins in December, 2018. My parents were going to come to visit me for Christmas, but due to my father's condition, we canceled it. I was there left with no plans and my roommate kindly asked if I wanted to spend the holiday with her and her family in west England. I was really happy to join her, so that's pretty much what happened. One night we went out to a pub to hang out with her childhood friends and I met a guy there who it was really easy to get along with. He told me he's a firefighter which immediately set me on fire haha. Turned out he lived in London too, so we figured we keep in touch once we're back in the city. 

That's what happened. We agreed to meet up, but to take the pressure off, I myself rather considered it a "hangout" instead of a date, although I could feel that none of us was here just "to be friends". The second time, I went over to his place to watch a movie and when we said goodbye to each other, he kissed me which was an obvious indication of the nature of our "hangouts". Yeah can't call them that anymore. We met up in the city the third time, had some drinks and then we both headed home. At the end he kissed me again. The 4th time I asked him to come over to my place. I was on my period so I figured it's a good time to get physically a little closer to each other but not tempted to have sex with him, so we just cuddled for that night. By the 5th time I noticed that I started developing feelings for him. I went over to his place, had dinner, watched a movie and slept in the same bed. I thought this time, it will totally happen but when we got to bed he hugged me and pretty much went straight to sleep. I was confused. I didn't know if he was trying to make a statement that he wants to wait, because he's serious about this, or the completely opposite and he's not into me anymore. Maybe he's waiting for me to initiate but because he showed zero sign of interest of any physical contact I was scared he would reject me. I was just laying there thinking "really? Not even a kiss?" Eventually I fell asleep too. The following day I asked why we didn't even kiss and he said "because I knew nothing would happen, I didn't wanna put pressure on you". Long story short, he thought I was still on my period. Anyway days go by, I'm not texting him, he's not texting me, and I started to feel like this got to a dead end. Then eventually he messages me. All in all, the said he likes me and wants to keep seeing me, but he can't prioritise anything over his job therefore he doesn't want anything serious. It's typical me. I always go for the ones that just wanna play around. Right now I don't know where we're at or how I feel about him, because I met someone else out of the blue, and I can’t stop thinking about him.

I know! I know! I lose my mind easily. Way too easily. I'm aware of it. Don't know if it's a good trait or not, but it's really difficult to control it. Just because I'm single and alone it doesn't mean I'm bored or lonely, however when I meet someone who catches my attention, I feel like a lot of desires and emotions that I'm holding inside suddenly break through and pour themselves all over the place. No matter how great of a single life can be, I'm always fantasising about this significant other that I know will be there tomorrow and I can share fun memories with. The person I can hold close to me and who holds me close. That someone I can love and nurture. Who evokes the desire in me to be grabbed at the right time at the right places. (Yes, good chemistry is pretty important to me). 

As soon as I meet someone who has the potential to fill this role out for me, I just lose my mind. I get so high so easily. 

Since my high hopes have crushed and burned a couple of times, a voice in me is really cautious. "You know how guys are, one day they're in, the next they're out." "He's nice and fun, but that doesn't mean he's the one". "He'll meet someone else tomorrow and leave you" etc etc. As soon as I meet that someone, as much as I'm excited, I become really insecure. I feel like our days are counted and don't know when this sweet thing that I have will be taken away from me, but I know when it happens it will hurt. 

But now back to this Don Juan I started talking about. One weekend all my friends I usually make plans with were either busy or out of town. Mr firefighter was not giving me the attention I wanted so I was like; "fuck this! I'm not sitting home feeling shit, I wanna hang out and meet people". I met one of my best friends off of the Couchsurfing hangouts app so I figured I'm gonna meet up a bunch of random strangers and see where the night takes us. So that's what happened. I made myself available online and I was looking for potential company. I matched up with an Australian guy and in a course of a few minutes it was 5 of us in the group. I saw one pic of Mr Australia, I did not have romantic intentions, I just thought he looked like a decent person. I created a Whatsapp group for us and we agreed to meet up. It was me, a girl from the states, a guy from New Zealand and Mr Australia brought a guy from Italy whom he met previously from another hangout group. 

We decided to meet in a pub. Mr Australia got there first and a few minutes later I arrived too. As I’m approaching this guy who seemed to recognise me, I reach out for him and we give each other a friendly hug. I found him really attractive, but that was all in the moment. Few minutes later Mr New Zealand shows up, and let me tell you he was really cute too, so we were off to a good start. I promised them in the whatsapp group that the first round is on me, so I headed to the bar to get a round of drinks. I sit down and we begin to chat. They were just the coolest people I could have met that night, seriously. Laid back, chill, easy to talk to, good vibes. "This night is gonna be fucking great" I think to myself while the boys are talking. About half an hour later a girl shows up, who was also part of our group chat. She was from the states (as I mentioned before). Now it's 2 girls, 2 guys. Nice, in balance. Miss America was keeping Mr New Zealand busy, while I was talking to Mr Australia. I was looking at him, thinking "there's something really sweet about this boy". And if you know me, you know I have a sweet tooth. Haha. I knew if he liked me back, it's game over for me. 

Few hours later Mr Australia's friend from Italy shows up who guess what? was also good looking. I wasn't sure if I was on drugs or my fairy godmother finally came back from holiday. I'm pretty particular when it comes chemistry. I have a really dense filter, but this night it was 3 out of 3. Wow! 

We make a suggestion to go to a club, and I'm really happy about the idea, because I wanna dance with these guys. Especially with Mr Sweet Australia. Miss America announces that she doesn't want to go to the club and she'd rather go home. I'm like "okay girl, don't worry I look after these bad boys". 😁

We get an Uber and go to a club where I know one of the managers so we got a table. We get a round of drinks and sit at our table for a little while. Mr Italy kept disappearing so I was mostly focusing on Mr Australia and Mr New Zealand. After a while Mr New Zealand starts to make a move on me. Nothing out of order, but he was expressing his fondness of me. I found it charming because it felt good for my ego, and I swear to God, he almost tipped me over, but I noticed the desire I felt for the attention from Mr Australia. I can only be truly into one guy at the time. The firefighter is already a distant memory. Or is he? Anyway, we get back to him. 

Time passes by, the guys are drinking, we're dancing and at this point Mr New Zealand made a mistake. He left first. Now it was just me and Mr Australia. Oooh Mr Sweet Australia...how I would like to have a taste of you! 

We're dancing and our eyes start to lock. He comes closer and grabs my waist. I pull away to tease him. Every time he gets a hold on me, I can tell he wants more. I'm on fire and eventually he grabs my head and kisses me. I can feel the touch of his lips rushing through every single nerve in my body. It's better than being on any kind of drugs. I knew it was game over for me. 

When the club was about to close, we sat at our table holding each other. He asked "okay, are we going to my place or yours?". There's no way I'm strong enough to turn him down. And why would I anyway? I want him close! Closer....In the closest possible way. I suggest to get a cab to mine, so that's what we did, and we had an adult sleepover.

The next day I see Mr New Zealand's text, asking about the rest of the night and if I made it home safe. I don't want to tell him, I hooked up with Mr Australia because, I don't want him to not be interested in me anymore. My ego needs his attention. Plus at this moment, I feel pretty insecure. I like Mr Australia a lot, but if he's just playing (which in this moment I think is most likely the case) I don't want to feel like I'm falling back to nothing. I can't put all I have onto one card. That's what I used to do all the time as soon as I started talking to someone. I would just shut the rest of the world down. Bad bad strategy. This time I need to place some chips on other cards too. 

The next week I went over to Mr Australia's place and we had an another adult sleepover just before I left for my holiday to Kenya. Now it looks like I'm gonna see him tomorrow (after my trip) just before he leaves for his trip to my hometown, Budapest. We're texting, but I have the feeling I'm more into him than he's into me. It's fine. I just keep talking to him until something happens. 

Meanwhile, I'm talking to Mr New Zealand, (the firefighter messaged me a couple of times while I was away), and now there's another guy from couchsurfing who expressed his interest in meeting me and I found it appealing. So as long as these guys are giving me attention, I’m just gonna keep taking it, in case Mr Australia decides to leave the picture. 

Is this the right way to deal with "love"? Not sure. I'm not the dealer in this game. All I know is that what I've been doing is not working. These are the cards that I've been dealt with this time and if I want to win the game I can't follow only my heart. I need to get a hold on my emotions and use some logic too to see through who’s bluffing and to see what's real.

Szilvia Szekely