My religion - part 1

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Ever since human kind started to think for itself, we have always been befuddled by possibility of our own existence. We've been trying to explain it since the beginning of time and it seems the most widely accepted approach is through faith. Humans have come up with various religious explanations on how the world as we know it works. We wrote books about them, that now millions and billions of people worship and follow.

My story begins at the early hours of a spring day, in 1993. Shortly after I was born I was baptised as a reformed Christian, but I always considered my family as a non-religious family. My dad is a straight atheist, and although my mom is a more spiritual woman, I would definitely not call her religious. She would take me to some Bible study classes when I was a little girl and we spoke about religion, but I think it was just a way for her to educate me. I was never made to practice any religious activity, so spiritually I have always been let loose. When I was a little girl between the age of 3 and maybe 8 I was talking to “God” and to myself quite a lot. I remember having an inner voice, but as I entered my early teenage years, the voice within got quieter and quieter to the point where it went almost completely silent and all I could hear was the noise from the outside world. Suddenly I found myself in a very insecure place where all I cared about was to be accepted, but I was struggling. I didn’t know how or who I was supposed to be. I just wanted to be “cool”, but instead of being cool, my personality slowly became just a mimicry of my surroundings.

A few years went by like this but then my mom took me to an English camp at the age of 13 where I met the first Americans. After 2 weeks when I left the camp, for the first time I felt passion for something. I left with a vision, a goal that I wanted to achieve so bad that the voice within started to talk to me again. From that point on I was determined to learn English and to be able to communicate with the people from outside of my country. I also wanted to move to the States to experience a piece of my life “out there”. I didn't know why, it was just a feeling.

When I was 15 I went to a high school that offered an intense English education system. They had native American teachers who we could practice with. They stared an English club that I always attended so slowly but surely I became friends with them. The teachers started to invite me to their social gatherings where I met more Americans and people from other countries. They were a community and I became a part of it. At one point I had more American friends than Hungarian, in Hungary. But there’s one thing that’s important to complete the story. They were all actively practicing their religion. They went church every Sunday, and had Bible studies on Tuesdays. And I was there. I was learning and listening. They were really kind and loving, so I loved being around them.

The result of all the Bible studies was that it truly opened my mind up to the idea of a creator that is above it all. However, there are still few things until this day that I’m having a hard time to truly accept in my heart. Like the idea of Jesus walking on water and coming back from the dead. That his death is the reason why I can go to heaven now. And even the concept of heaven and hell is something I personally no matter how hard I try I just can’t believe.

It might be true that once there was a man called Jesus. I can accept that he was an exceptional man who preached about love and patience, and that his life can be used as an example to live by. I’m fine with that. I can compare Jesus to Ghandi or Mandela or Mother Theresa, but that he was more of son of God than you are or I am. Hmmm….I don’t know. I can believe that he was crucified for his preachings, but that he came back from the dead and the reason why I don’t have to burn in the fires of hell for eternity is because I believe this? I don’t know. This just raises too many questions that no-one so far has given me a logical, or even an objective answer to.

Trying to unlock and understand the mechanism of the Universe is incredibly overwhelming. It’s like a single sand trying to oversee the richness and complexity of the beach from its limited point of view. Can we ever truly understand how and why we are here, and what it truly means to be alive? Or to be dead for that matter.

Even if I did choose religion as the ultimate answer, which one is the “right” one? Christianity? Judaism? Hinduism? Islam? Buddhism? But even these religions branch out to multiple versions. What if I pick the “wrong” one? Will this unconditionally loving God that all religions talk about hate me? Does that mean that every human being that wasn't born into the "right" religion is doomed? Do you see why I’m confused?

Now let's look at science. I like science because it backs itself up with equations and experiments that prove or disprove its theories. It talks about particles and how they make up all that there is. It explains how these particles are held together and pushed apart by the 4 fundamental forces of nature. Incredible discoveries and unbelievable PROVEN explanations on how the world as we know it works. There's only one problem with science. Although it knows a lot of whats and hows, it still can't explain the whys. Why all this? Why are we here? Why is there consciousness?

So then finally I can turn to philosophy. Dan Dannett thinks that consciousness doesn't actually exist and it is just an illusion created by the brain. Philip Goff thinks that consciousness is a fundamental building block of the universe just like space and time and mass. Galen Strawson thinks that consciousness is universal. On different levels all matter is conscious, from the tiny cell in your body to the chair you’re sitting on. These are all interesting explanations by respected philosophers, however they are just hypotheses created by other human beings. None of them has been proven right or wrong.

So let’s do a quick recap, shall we? I find religion comforting but the main leg it stands on is blind faith, and there are certain aspects of it I just can’t blindly believe. Science and quantum physics answer a lot of whats and hows, but it never truly understands the whys. Philosophers try to explain the whys, but they can’t prove it. Suddenly all explanations become sole hypotheses of different people who are paralysed by the possibility of their own existence. Fascinating!

I’ve been looking for answers in the outside world my whole life. For once, let’s suppose that the answers are hidden somewhere inside me. Somewhere deep inside my DNA. I wonder what would happen if I started to obverse the life and consciousness that “I” happen to experience.

To be continued…